After accosting a drunk Doug Stanhope outside the Leicester Square Theatre, The Fix, after much discussion, convinced him to do an interview. As you can see he didn't regret it...

Doug Stanhope: You are like a goth girl who knows she’s unattractive and accessorises. You put on the moustache because it’s not gonna get better so let’s make it worse, and I understand the theory.

Harry Deansway: Cheers man - Have you always been angry?

DS: I don’t know its not like there was a day where you are like I’m the happiest kid in the world and then BOOOM. Your grandpa wasn’t always a prick - he was happy to fight the war and then over time he goes ‘this is bullshit’.

HD: How did you start in comedy?

DS: These are the worst fucking questions in the world - this is every reason I would not want to do an interview. ‘Where do you get your ideas from?’ I don’t know - where do you get ideas from? When you thought I’m going to have waffles for breakfast where did that idea come from? Don’t give me a fucking comedy interview, ask me what you want to ask. Drink! Maybe you should be as drunk as I am for this interview...

HD: Ok lets start at the beginning where are you from?

DS:I grew up in Massachusetts - an industrial shit hole like this.

HD: You speak about losing your sex drive in your show, when did that happen?

DS: Over a course of time. Mostly in relationships because most of the thrill of fucking was that someone would fuck you, because I’m a fucking geek like you. If it wasn’t for the stage… the fact that someone would fuck you was more important than a TV show or 5 stars in a newspaper. If someone would fuck me after a show it was a barometer of how well you were doing in comedy and at some point the ego left and the biggest round of boo’s or the biggest round of applause were equally negligible doing that

HD: Have you got to the stage were it doesn’t effect you any more? You get no joy out of performing?

DS: No, if you can amuse yourself and that's the problem you can never write enough material to say fresh to yourself.

HD: Do you change your show every night?

DS: If I can. I desperately try to, to the point of failure. I think every guy in the audience is the fan - the one guy ‘I’ve been here since you’ve been coming here.’ They know every joke you've ever done, so you feel like if you do an old bit that you know works your letting someone down by doing old shit.

HD: How much does alcohol play a part in your act?



DS: I couldn‘t tell you the last time I performed without drinking at all - tonight I drank more than other nights because I could. Well, I could any night but I go ‘it’s Sunday I’m just gonna get fucked up’

HD: So, its an intrinsic part of your set

DS: Yeah - I have no self confidence.

HD: You are drinking to be professional?

DS: Yeah I’m drinking to be professional.

HD: What is it about the drink that enhances your performance - do you think you are funnier drunk?

DS: The same reason drink helps people fuck and have a good time and tell the truth to some one.

HD: You say you hate the UK so much, is there anything in particular why that is?

DS: It reminds me a lot of where I grew up. But again this is all bullshit, I think I alluded to it on stage in quite an unstable delivery; you can try to pretend to know why you are the way you are ‘oh I’m fat because my mother fucking divorced my father and that’s why I eat Haagan Daas’ .You don’t know. But I hate it here it reeks of fucking depression and dark ages and awfulness and I don’t like old shit. I like progress. I have no sense of history. History is bullshit. Don’t tell me what fucking happened 400 years ago or 1,000 years ago. History is a complete fabrication of demented memories.

HD: You live in Arizona, what’s modern about there

DS: It’s America. America is fucking great.

HD: Do you think you’ll be around for when America becomes decrepit?

DS: No I’m 43 years old I don't think America will become decrepit in 20 years which is the best outlook you could have for my life. Once I realised I’m never going to have children I realised I have no vested interest in this planet and I don’t know why I get so upset about all the fucking social ills. Its your problem. It’s a fucking rental car to me, trash it and fucking turn it in with the bumper hanging off, it’s not my problem.

HD: So you've never thought about why you get so upset about it?

DS: Yeah I wonder all the time - no I know why I get so upset about it a) because it pisses me off and b) if it doesn’t piss me off I have no material. Comedy is what it is but it’s the least fun part of comedy. I have been doing comedy for 20 years and the only unfunny part of it is doing shows or watching shows. Fucking hanging around with comics. I live in a town of 6,000 and I have some good friends, but when you have hung around with the funniest people on earth it spoils you for comedy.

HD: Apart from yourself, who is the funniest person you ever hung around with?

DS: Because I haven’t been watching TV or talking on a cell phone here I complied a list of people I want

to have a party with before I kill myself, but you wouldn’t know any of them I don’t think.

HD: I might do...

DS: Glen wool would be the only one… As far as people who are fucking funny in real life when you are sitting at a table dying laughing, that’s your friends. You not paying to see some pre recorded bullshit. People who over 20 years you have laughed your balls at off more than any Richard Prior or Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks wasn’t even funny, he was just right. That lasts longer than funny. The guys I laughed at in the 80s when I was learning comedy as a kid. Listening to it again, that’s not funny. Funny builds on itself, not like any other art form, it has the shelf life of mayonnaise in hot sun. It was funny, but someone saw how he made it funny, made it funnier and some one made it funnier.

HD: Have you done anything before comedy? I take it you worked in shitty jobs and stuff like that...

DS: yeah menial shitty jobs I did telemarketing for a few years, but I started comedy at 23 and have been pretty much doing it professionally ever since. I did a lot of shitty jobs that I quit, 2 jobs I quit in an hour or an hour and a half.

HD: I have a 100% sacking record - any job I had I have been sacked.

DS: You know what? This interviews over, your fired