* including today

How To React To Your Impending Baldness

When you’re twenty-six and find you’re losing your hair, it’ll be wretched. You’ll wonder whether anyone will ever find you attractive again, and whether your girlfriend dumped you because of it (this was a couple of months ago, but she may have given you head rubs and noticed your hairline receding before you did. On the other hand, you’re sure to have noticed first – you’re quite vain and look in the mirror maybe a dozen times a day. This may have been why she left you). You might start thinking about dying, for the first time since you were seven. You’ll think about having children with the next woman who’s prepared to sleep with you, and about poking holes in condoms with pins like a jolly old papist. You’ll certainly start thinking about how you’ll look like a big bald chimp in a couple of years, and about how we’re all monkeys really. You’ll stop using a glass to drink milk, and become less selective about the places you masturbate.

Author: unknown