Bob Slayer - Fix live nights compere, amongst other things - counts down the most degenerate countries in Scandinavia…

Slayer’s Scandinavia

Scandinavia is a beautiful part of the world that I like to visit as often as possible. However, it is also very expensive, and so I highly recommend that you get someone else to pay for the booze. My way of having booze on tap is to tour with rock bands, but you could take a rich friend along or you could become a bar slut and prostitute yourself that way. Either way, the question you will be asking is which country is top of the Scandinavian debauchery tree?

5th = Denmark

The entry point to Scandinavia is Denmark, a country that is a little like Germany, only with slightly less porn and more bacon. Spend any time in Denmark and you will soon be whispering, “I see lesbians everywhere”, as they enjoy the highest per capita ladies that love ladies of any country in the world. This may go some way to explaining why Sild is not only a type of fish, but is also the Danish word for “kiss”.

4th = SWEDEN

Next stop is Sweden, a country which could move up the rankings if it was not held back by the bible belt towns of Jonkoping, Linkoping, and Shopping, that run down the centre of the country. However, get up into the north and you can find the wild, free Sweden. After one night drinking Brännvin (a schnapps that literally means ‘Burn Wine’), I was invited to play the national drinking game of Kubb in the way the vikings intended: by seeing who can throw the bones of their victims around the best. 

3rd = ICELAND

You may have expected Iceland to have ranked higher, but in Scandinavia the debauchery competition is high. Many Icelanders are certainly not wired up right, but in 2007, Iceland was ranked as the most developed country in the world by the United Nations’ Human Development Index, and they could not have achieved that if everyone had been like Björk. That said, her and her wayward son - whose dreadful heavy metal band once supported a band I toured with - do certainly contribute to keeping their country above Sweden. Johanna Sigurdardottir is the world’s first openly gay head of government, which is nice.

2nd = FINLAND

Has got naked saunas, vodka, and Eurovision-winning monster rockers Lordi. But Finland also has my favourite island in the world: Aland is in the Baltic Sea, midway between Stockholm and Helsinki. For some strange reason, the island is duty free and is the only place in Scandinavia that booze is cheap! After one show, I got on the wrong side of a particular local nutter who picked up a shovel and vehemently declared, “Michael Jackson is the King of Pop!” while angrily trying to chase me via the means of a moonwalk.

1st = Norway 

Back in the middle ages, in an effort to stop public drunkenness, Norway was the first country in the world to impose taxes on booze, but this hasn’t deterred them: those crazy Norwegians are shit-faced 24/7. At the 2004 Quart Festival I was stood on the side of the main stage clutching a mug of Karsk (moonshine and coffee) when Norwegian band The Cumshots announced a young couple on to the stage in the middle of their gig with the words, “How far are you willing to go to save the planet?” The pair immediately stripped naked and proceeded to have sex on the stage. A large banner declared that they were “Fuck for Forests” - this eco-debauchery is part of what puts Norway top of the tree in my book.