Following his highly successful turn on shooting stars in the 1^st part of a three part interview Angelos Epithemiou sits down with his friend and mentor Bob Mortimer to dicuss where he’s come from and where he’s going.

Angelos Epithemiou: Right – what is it? You want me to ask you the question, or what? Eh?

Harry Deansway: (Laughs) Just an interview for The Fix Magazine, so its quite conversational, and have a chat about…

Bob Mortimer: It’s a magazine, Angelos - right? Do you know, like, comedians like – who do you like? Name us some comics you like. Who d’you like – Brian Connolly (sic)?

Angelos Epithemiou: I like the Desmond’s and stuff-

Bob Mortimer: You like The Desmond’s?

Angelos Epithemiou: - Bread, Goodnight Sweetheart, all that stuff.

Bob Mortimer: Well, he does a magazine about some of the newer comics.

Angelos Epithemiou: Right…like, what?

Harry Deansway: Um…dunno - Pappy’s Fun Club?

Angelos Epithemiou: Aw, do me a favour…oh right, it’s one o’them…

Bob Mortimer: Well you know, like Harry Hill?

Angelos Epithemiou: Yeah…no, all babyish. Listen…

Harry Deansway: Well, I said, if you could prepare some questions-

Bob Mortimer: Aw, you got questions, Angelos?

Angelos Epithemiou: Seven of them.

Harry Deansway: I’ve got a few as well, if you run out.

Angelos Epithemiou: I won’t run out, right?

Bob Mortimer: Are you doing them now then?

Angelos Epithemiou: I don’t know, I don’t know…

Bob Mortimer: Do you think people are addicted to Diet Coke?

Angelos Epithemiou: Yeah, well, it’s all the sugar, innit?

Bob Mortimer: But there’s less sugar in it. Than in a normal-

Angelos Epithemiou: I know. And that’s what drives me mad. I think I know the answer.

Bob Mortimer: And you don’t!

Angelos Epithemiou: …and I don’t know the answer.

Bob Mortimer: But you don’t dwell on it, do ya?

Angelos Epithemiou: Nooo! No, it doesn’t keep me awake at night, at all! The big stuff does.

Bob Mortimer: What’s the ‘big stuff’, like?

Angelos Epithemiou: Like, all the…all the big stuff, you know, like, like…

Bob Mortimer: Like war and that? War’s pretty big, innit?

Angelos Epithemiou: …like transport problems, and the environment, and all that stuff. Yeah.

Bob Mortimer: Transport? What’s the problem with transport?

Angelos Epithemiou: Well, it’s all over the place. But with, like, the environment, and stuff, you know… Well, I don’t know, but d’you know that the sun is getting closer to the earth, by, about twenty feet a year? Did you know that?

Bob Mortimer: I didn’t know that.

Angelos Epithemiou: ‘Course you don’t know that, because you don’t know my mate Malcolm. And he told me that - he’s always on the Googles, he says. He told me like, last year he told me, like, who was going to win X Factor, like, a long time before it was finished. So now I think, “Oh, he knows what he’s on about.” Yeah.

Bob Mortimer: So, twenty foot a year?

Angelos Epithemiou: Yeah! Yeah.

Bob Mortimer: Do you have any posters up about this? Maybe you could inform peop – No, but you know what I mean? People come to your place, don’t they? You could put some up, saying, “Do you give a toss or not?”

Angelos Epithemiou: No, I should do that! I should let people know, but I think it’s better…like, ”Words of mouth”. It’s better to tell people. Because, if, you know… people don’t listen to this shit. Because it’s boring!

Bob Mortimer: It is boring, yeah. You could maybe make it…

Angelos Epithemiou: …more exciting? Well, what I say, right, is, if you - ’cause of all this problem - if you’re a pilot, or if you live up a tall building… you’re gonna get it first. So, you know, either change your job, or lie on the floor.

Bob Mortimer: So what would your poster say? “Change…”

Angelos Epithemiou: “Change your job-”
TOGETHER “- or lie on the floor.”

Bob Mortimer: Yeah.

Angelos Epithemiou: “If you’re a pilot, or you live up a tall building”.

Bob Mortimer: That’s very specific advice, you know. Do you think you get a lot of pilots…?

Angelos Epithemiou: It’s just where I start!

Bob Mortimer: D’you get a lot of pilots down at the shop? The burger…?

Angelos Epithemiou: Well, yeah! I mean, you know! You don’t know who you’ve got there. It could be - I don’t ask no questions, they don’t talk to me, really.

Harry Deansway: Where is your van, Angelos?

Bob Mortimer: Never you mind about that. No, I don’t tell no-one ’cause, right, I get all the kids and the joyriders coming around, trying to… and someone’s had a go at the generator – again – and I just think, “Just better not to tell anyone where it is”. You can see how that would affect sales.

Bob Mortimer: This since you’ve been on Shooting Stars?

Angelos Epithemiou: No, before I was on Shooting Stars. I was targeted.

Bob Mortimer: Wh-why…? Why in the living fuck would anyone target your burger van?

Angelos Epithemiou: I don’t know. I don’t know why they would do it.

Bob Mortimer: Do y’know, I can think of some reasons why they would do it. This is word of mouth they been getting, words from mouth. People saying, “That bloke’s a pervert”…

Bob Mortimer: You know, I’m not saying you’re a pervert, but if kids are bothering yer, and interfering with yer gennies (sic), because parents are saying, “Keep away from him, he’s done summat bad”. Or summat.

Angelos Epithemiou: Well that’s the one theory that the police have talked to me about.

Bob Mortimer: (laughs) I don’t believe that!

Angelos Epithemiou: No! It’s not true.

Bob Mortimer: ‘Cause I know you’re a ladies’ man.

Angelos Epithemiou: Exactly. I am a big ladies’ man. But, you know, I don’t think that’s the true case, because, you know… I think it’s blokes what’s doing it, you know, blokes what’s coming round - nicking it, really - to go on the building sites and stuff. In fact, I think it’s my brother who’s been nicking it. He’s a jealous man-

Bob Mortimer: What’s he jealous of?

Angelos Epithemiou: I dunno.

Bob Mortimer: Well it’s summat specific to you, I’d have thought…

Angelos Epithemiou: Yeah, I’d've thought so.

Bob Mortimer: (corpses) It must be summat specific – not general. Summat…

Angelos Epithemiou: Well, no, he’s a monster, my brother. Because, he’s like… (hushed tone) he got a problem with the drugs.

Bob Mortimer: Yeah…

Angelos Epithemiou: (still hushed) And the drugs make him, like, angry and… terrifying. Horrible. Aggressive, and racist, and all these things, you know. And I say, you know, me mum says, you know, “He’s not… he’s like that normally”, that’s what she says. And I say “No, it’s be’cause he’s on the drugs – he’s addicted to paracetamol”, he’s always taking them…

Bob Mortimer: Isn’t that ’cause of his club foot?

Angelos Epithemiou: (raises tone) Yeah. It is – it is ’cause of the pain that causes him, and that gives him a headache, so he has to take the paracetamol.

Harry Deansway: How did you get into catering?

Angelos Epithemiou: Just turned up. Just got on with it, y’know. My dad, he had a kebab shop called Heaven On A Stick, and I was like looking at that, thinking, “Yeah, yeah, I like the look of this, I can do this”, you know… I’ve explained all this, I’ve been through it. This fella, I was walking down the road, and this fella, I saw this van, this burger van. And I went up to this fella and said, “I like the look of this van,” you know, “your van”. And he said (mysterious voice) “Well, I’m going to give it to you.” And I said “Oh, that’s very kind of you, very kind!” And he said (mysterious voice) “But you must give me something in return,” you know. And I said “Oh… what is that?” Then he said “Fifteen hundred quid.” You know, so I bought it off him really, so I’ve set it up in there, with the toaster and all that, and… I didn’t know what I was doing. And then I just got started! I reckon I’ve turned over, er, about three or four hundred quid, now, in four years. Which isn’t bad.

Bob Mortimer: Have you ever had any staff, Angelos?

Angelos Epithemiou: No no, couldn’t care less! Couldn’t care less about them. Because I had to graft, and I’ve done very well for myself. And they need to do the same. Mind you, someone did help me out, but I’m not prepared to do that for anyone else.

Bob Mortimer: Who helped you out?

Angelos Epithemiou: A fella.

Bob Mortimer: Yer fella?

Angelos Epithemiou: A fella.

Bob Mortimer: A fella.

Angelos Epithemiou: A fella, yeah.

Bob Mortimer: Tell us a bit more about it - if you so wish.

Angelos Epithemiou: I don’t know if I wanna go into it.

Bob Mortimer: It’s up to you. Talk around it you want – what was his name? What was his name?

Angelos Epithemiou: John.

Bob Mortimer: What did he do?

Angelos Epithemiou: He works in McDonald’s.

Bob Mortimer: He works in McDonald’s. Did he pay you for a service of any sort?

Angelos Epithemiou: No.

Bob Mortimer: Did you provide a service – unpaid - for him?

Angelos Epithemiou: No.

Bob Mortimer: If you were to thank him for what he did for you, how would you word that thank-you?

Angelos Epithemiou: I’d say: “John, thank you very much for letting me, sort of, hang around.”

Bob Mortimer: You picked up knowledge from John?

Angelos Epithemiou: Not really, no.

Bob Mortimer: But he definitely helped you in yer…?

Angelos Epithemiou: No, you know, I’m thinking about it now and I don’t think he did.

Bob Mortimer: John didn’t help? John was just a man.

Angelos Epithemiou: He’s just a fella.
Shooting Stars DVD is out now and you can see Angelos Epithemiou perform live here
Join us for part two next time where Angelos reveals how he got his big break and the truth behind his relatioship with Ulrikaaa