Nick Helm’s BHS Hell

Wood Green High Street is a true example of a 22^nd century high street. Not only does it have a McDonalds, an HMV, a Cancer Research, and a Mr. Bagel, but there’s also a multi-screen multiplex and another McDonalds. The only thing that remains firmly stuck in the bad old days is the BHS shop front. It sits sadly on the High Street, with its authentic early-1990s logo faded by the sun. It’s bewildering to me that in today’s competitive markets, where you can buy pants from anywhere, a business can let itself slip into an apathetic state of branding like this.

I went in to talk to the manager to ask him what he thought. “Why haven’t you updated the shop front?” I asked.

“Oh that? That’s been like that for years”, he snorted.

I explained that every other BHS in the country had updated their logo. It’s a brand. It’s an emblem. To be worn with pride. People shouldn’t have to read the ‘B’, the ‘H’, and the ‘S’ on the bag and then re-read the ‘B’, the ‘H’, and the ‘S’ on the sign to work out where people had been shopping. They should be able to match it up subliminally through shapes and colours.

He laughed cruelly, spraying my face with saliva and crumbs.

My eyes filled with tears of rage. “British Home Stores used to mean something!” I cried. “There’ll be an M&S opened on every street corner and tram station with their neatly-matching fonts and logos. You’ll never compete!”

But there was no getting through to him. He just didn’t care…

Nick Helm

We’ve been running twice weekly gigs at the Camden Head for the last 6 months, this has entailed us e-mailing you on a weekly basis which has basically turned the mail-out into the equivalent of dust on your window sill, you know it’s there but you can’t be bothered to do anything about it or perhaps it’s more like ex girlfriends Facebook status updates, they mean something to you but there is nothing you can do about them. For those reasons we have decided to take the mail-out bi-weekly so it becomes like your best friend, you don’t see them all the time but you know where they are if you do want to go out. So what we are going to do is lay out all the forthcoming events and you can just go back to this e-mail when you do feel like venturing out to Camden on a Thursday or Friday night. We will be at the Camden Head every Thursday and Friday so any time you fancy popping down just do.

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Quick Reminder about the forthcoming April the 1st extravaganza with Boothby Graffoe and The Following people plus Kevin Eldon, Antonio Forcione and Phil Kay this Thursday at the Leicester Square theatre, some would say this gig is going to be so good that in years to come we will associate Easter more with this gig than the resurrection of Christ.

Tickets here

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For those of you who haven’t been down to a Fix night before here is what they look like - Lets take this viral like meningitis

Live from the Camden Head Every Thursday and Friday
The Camden Head, 100 Camden High street, London NW1
Doors; 19.30, show 20.30
Tel: 07854370351

Thursday the 1st of April

The Stephen Carlin Project

The Stephen Carlin project is probably the only regular night in London that not only provides you with top original comedy but also tries to assist social change. Join Stephen as he interacts with the audience to help re-write the unwritten laws of society whilst deconstructing and comically meditating on the minutiaes of society that although have little consequence to our every day life are rendered hilarious under Carlin’s comic microscope

Featuring

This generations Spike Milligan - Simon Munnerry
Bad taste one-liners from the dishevelled – Stuart Hudson
High energy high jinks from the young dynamo – James Acaster

Tickets here

And here

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Friday the 2nd of April

The Fergus Craig Affair

Since going solo Fergus Craig has fast established himself as one of the most likeable inventive comedians and MC’s on the circuit. At his new night the Fergus Craig Affair he not only showcases his own unique brand of idiosyncratic humour with stories and left field stand up but features some of the best character and sketch comedians working on the circuit.

Featuring

Surreal anti comedy from Pyecombes premier Caff owner/entertainer – Brian Gittins

The dirty inane mutterings of Watford’s prodigal son Radio 2 and Absolute radios – Barry from Watford

Soon to be seen alongside the mighty Boosh’s Julian Barret on Channel Dave’s Zimbani – Colin Hoult

Plus a Nathan Dean Williams a filthy twisted Alan Bennett for the jilted generation

Tickets here

And here

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Thursday the 8th of April

Spencer Jones is currently starring in one of the most popular shows on TV, CBBC’S Big Babies. Harry Deansway slept in his clothes last night. Together they have formed a double act to host various Fix nights. Harry is more behind it than Spencer for obvious reasons. They have never performed together before and may never perform together again why not help influence that decision for better or for worse by attending this gig.

Dry sarcastic comedy gold from Arnab Chanda
Manic well written observations from Bridget Christie
Plus Guests

Tickets Here

And here

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Friday the 9th of April

Toby Or Not Toby

Toby AKA sisters Sarah and Lizzie Daykin have been going barely 6 months but have already established themselves as one of the most exciting double acts on the circuit with their dark sketches that mix elements of the League Of Gentleman and The Mighty Boosh to create truly original riotously funny sketches. Catch them now before they launch into the comedy stratosphere this Edinburgh.

The UK’s premiere bad taste Frank Sinatra Impersonator Frank Sanazi
One of the most original funny acts on the circuit lo-fi low jinks from Two Episodes Of Mash
Plus guest Andrea Donnavan

Tickets Here

And Here

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Thursday the 15th of April

Seann Walsh Live From The Camden Head

Seann Walsh is one of the most exciting charismatic new talents to appear in recent years. With confidence and material that belies his tender years Seann has already supported Stephen K Ammos on his national tour and appeared on many TV shows.  Charming, accessible and laugh out loud funny see him now at his monthly residency before he starts to sell out venues 10 times this size.

With special guest Joe Wilkinson, Grainne Maguire and Tim Shishodia

Tickets here

And Here

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Website Highlights

It’s been a busy old month for content on the Fix web-site with some of the least known but utterly hilarious comedians from the UK jizzing their comedic load all over the site.

Panel Shows a cultural review, following yet another rejection of his application to appear as a buzzer on 8 out of 10 cats Harry Deansway sets his blog to rant in this stinging attack on one of comedy’s most popular formats .

When not earning a crust as one of the UK’s premiere Gollum impersonators Lee Kern can be found unable to sleep and writing pep talks for man kind .

Imagine if you can a TV show starring Garry Shandling that is even less well known in the UK than The Larry Sanders Show, well it exists and we’ve reviewed it here.

When he’s not dressed as a bald messiah shooting lasers out of his eyes at boy bands in the new Hot Chip Video Ross Lee is being probably one of the funniest people in the UK, here he recounts his 1st proper bird

Speak to most comedians and they will tell you about their own smell my cheese moment with TV executives in a new exclusive section on the web-site comedians anonymously recount their multi media horror stories, anyone up for Monkey Tennis?

Armando Iannucci has  had a hand in most of the outstanding comedic TV shows over the last 20 years in British TV, he’s won countless awards and is considered a genius by most of his peers but one of his most overlooked achievements is the interview he did in the fix a year ago

…brilliant, cos a nice bout of insomnia will help solve everything. There’s not a problem that can’t be solved when you’re brain’s firing only on half cylinders after a night of no sleep. Furthermore i wish those birds outside would fucking learn to text each other with their bloody feather fingers so they don’t have to holler to each tree. I know if we could translate them all we’d hear is: “I’M A BIRD. I’M A BIRD. CHECK IT OUT - I’M A BIRD”.

Fucking morons. Shouting: “I’M A BIRD. I’M A BIRD. CHECK IT OUT - I’M A BIRD.”

It is genuinely no more complex than that. I know that’s what they’re shouting.

BIRD ONE: …(shouting across a branch to another tree)…”Dude, i’m a bird”
BIRD TWO: …(replying, hollering back)…”Sweet. Check it out - i’m a bird too.”
BIRD ONE: …(shouting back to his new mate)…”Sweet.”

BIRD ONE and TWO both continue shouting to the world…belting out their message to the pink dawn of morning, “CHECK IT OUT - I’M A BIRD…..HEY - WE’RE BIRDS”

The natural world is full of wankers.

I know that all the whales in the ocean are wankers, and if they deciphered their long bellows and groans all we’d hear is…

“Sweet - i’m a whale………hey fish…..hey fish…..check it out - i’m a whale”

If we could translate crabs on the ocean floor all we’d hear is, “Dude, check it out - i’m a crab. Hey starfish - look - i’m a crab……….hey guys……guys…….look - i’m a crab…”

…and this wildy optimistic crab would be strutting along the ocean floor announcing fuck all to everyone

Nature has nothing to say, but insists on being heard all the time.

It’s just like fucking Twitter.

I’ve been running a regular comedy night every Thursday and Friday at the Camden Head for the last 6 months. A thing I hear quite often “is you get really good line-ups” I also hear quite often “Harry you haven’t paid me for the gig I did a couple of months ago.” Why is that? Well, that’s because the majority of the time we are lucky if we get more than 20 people in. Why do I keep perusing with the nights? Well, without sounding too sanctimonious and self important there is an absolutely amazing comedy scene going on at the moment composed of original charismatic performers, beautifully crafted well written sketches and comic monologues with more imaginative inventive thought in 15 minute sets than the majority of every major TV channels comedy output in the last 5 years.

If you haven’t been down to one of our club nights (that’s most of Britain) you would be forgiven for thinking that  the live circuit in the UK consists of Russell Howard / Michael Macintyre type acts turning up to small club’s and telling us about the difference between men and women for 6 hours before riffing about what it was like when we were at school and used to watch the A-team on a Saturday afternoon, eating Birdseye potato waffles and ice cream with angel delight on as the audience cock their heads back and laugh at the  hilarious truisms whilst a David Mitchell type host segues the acts with bumbling comic machinations about how he is rubbish with women and doesn’t like sports. You would of reached this conclusion from watching most comedy on TV in the last 5 years.

From an outsider looking in it seems that TV is run very much like the Kurt Russell movie The Bare Foot Executive where a pet chimpanzee decides what shows are going to be hits by blowing raspberries at pilots he likes. I can just picture it now as some Avalon represented act turns up in the chimps office, pitches his panel show/ talking head idea called “Rose Tinted Put Downs” pulls a few silly faces and does some material about Jordan having a fanny like a black hole to a riotous response from the chimp who furiously blows raspberries whilst waving a five year contract in his hand throwing his shit at the wall.

Yes it’s all very well me complaining about the way TV works but the real problem is you, as you must be watching this constant stream of creative sewage they are pumping into our minds on a weekly basis, otherwise why would they still be making it? If I look back at previous societies achievements the Egyptians had the pyramids, the Romans had roads and what do we have? Panel shows! 100’s of panel shows where the supposed cream of the UK’s crop sit in a lifeless studio and make pointless comments about unimportant things for half an hour, not only wasting our time but also our electricity and oxygen with their instantly forgettable  irrelevant throw away lines. I worry for the cultural historians of the future who will have to sit through this absolute drivel spending hours of their lives trying to piece together the origins of some Hugh Dennis in-joke about the current celebrity of that day in order to discover what was this society thinking about when they watched this entertainment, I wonder if it is possible to de-evolve probably.   We now have so many of these shows that in 50 years time I can imagine my grandchildren asking me to take them to the museum of panel shows where we see how amazing it is that Mock the Week is as unfunny now as it was 50 years ago and that David Mitchell and Rob Brydon were actually the same person but with different faces.

I’ve been side tracked, fuck TV it can do what it wants, I don’t even have a TV anymore. If it wants to spend the money it makes on panel shows and talking head programme’s then that’s fine, I like to spend my money on alcohol, lady boys and Chinese food and wouldn’t want anyone judging me on that so I’m not going to hold a grudge against it. My point is the lack of attendance at our live nights. You the audience needs to get your act together, next time you get home from work, take your shoes off  and get ready to become a crisp eating lifeless vessel of dullness indulging in Chris Moyels Quiz Night. Before you take your brain out to put it in a jar till Monday morning think about the great nights that not only I put on at the Camden head every Thursday and Friday but the great nights that all the other promoters put on around London and the rest of the UK that are funny, innovative and exciting. I know you’ve had a depressing week at work but if you don’t start coming to our live nights me and the brilliant acts on the circuit are going to have to join you there.

Fix Tickets here

Other good live nights

Fat Tuesdays

Laughing Boy

Feature Spot

The Invisible Dot

For fans of The Larry Sanders Show, which is, if not the best, then at least in the top five, sitcoms of all time, you will be pleased to hear that today, for the first time in the UK, a show starring Garry Shandling that - if you can imagine - is even more cult than The Larry Sander’s Show, is released on DVD.

It’s Gary Shandling’s Show, the blueprint for The Larry Sanders Show and, some might argue, Seinfeld too, was born as a segment on The Mike Nesmith Show in the early 80s, where Shandling would act out, in pre-recorded bits, stand up routines in a real life setting, where he would break down the fourth wall and talk to the audience about the situation he was in. From this, the show was developed, written, and pitched to NBC, where it was swiftly declined when Shandling would not tailor the concept of the show to play a delivery man as opposed to a comedian, and talk to his dog instead of breaking down the fourth wall and communicating with the TV audience at home.

It got picked up by Showtime in 1986, who were much more willing to run with the high concept format that was so original (perhaps, in its worst moments, too original) that it has been used rarely since (Sean Hughes’ Sean’s Show being perhaps the only other sitcom to use the format since). The show would use many of the devices that were later fine tuned in The Larry Sanders Show - celebrities playing themselves, and Shandling’s vanity and poor social skills - but where Sanders was so realistic it felt like they had built a fifth wall, Gary Shandling’s show is so purposely unrealistic it has no walls.

Once you get past the high concept - which is pretty hard as it is referred to and used as often as a supporting character - there is a well-written, funny show that deals with the life of a thirty-something stand-up comedian living in his own apartment in LA with a cast of supporting zany characters. When it works, it reaches the highs of the sitcoms it influenced; and when it doesn’t, it’s still enjoyable. It’s not the best sitcom ever made, but it’s certainly one of the most influential and - whatever you say about it - it’s definitely Garry Shandling’s show, and that’s why it’s worth buying.

It’s Garry Shandlings Show facts

.Co-writer of the show Alan Zweibel was one of the original writers on Saturday Night Live

.Before writing and starring in this show, Garry Shandling wrote scripts for Sanford and Son, the US remake of Steptoe and Son

.As well as appearances from Chevy Chase, Tom Petty, and Carl and Rob Reiner, it features the last ever TV appearance of Gilda Radner

Its Garry Shandlings show is released today here.

I met my first proper bird in Nottingham in 1993.  She was exactly what I was looking for in a woman. She had a sense of humour, a liking for alcohol and a cleavage. Then again, a builder’s bottom also has a cleavage, so what I really mean too say is a nice set of busters. I used to love that word as a kid – “BUSTERS!” In fact, I still do! “BUSTERS BUSTERS BUSTERS!” Also, the fact that she was older than me by four years meant that she could be ‘in charge’. I wasn’t bothered about having any authority in the relationship providing I could still be a big kid and get my playtime – in every sense of the word. I first noticed her because of her lovely back. She had a line that went right up from her bottom to her shoulder blades. It was as though her bum crack went right up her spine. I suppose really it ‘was’ her bum crack! I commented on her lovely back while she was cooking at my best mate’s house. I was soon to discover that cooking wasn’t my first proper birds best forte in life. I once had to eat with her and her family in Nottingham and as I chomped down on her Spaghetti Bolognese, something cracked in my mouth. It was so loud that I looked up expecting everyone to be staring at me, but they weren’t. I had to carry on eating as though nothing was wrong, but I could swear I was swallowing a light bulb.  I’d gone to stay for a weekend at my best mates new house in Nottingham.  He’d met some raving alcoholic at ‘Donnington Monsters Of Rock’ and had started living with her. She once chucked an ashtray at my head because I’d bought her a bottle of Vodka. She wasn’t angry with me for buying it, she was angry because she’d drank it all and I refused to buy her another.  
My first proper bird started sending me letters with lipstick kisses on the envelope, which was to be the start of a nine-month rocky relationship. She used to drive up and see me every three weeks, which then became every two weeks, then, towards the end of our romance, became once every six weeks. It was here that I realised the ‘magic’ was dissolving. I don’t know why, I was the perfect boyfriend!

Debbie was once curling her eyelashes with a metal curler, it looked more like a medieval instrument of torture. She was already in a mood with me for some reason and had asked me to stop talking as it was putting her off. I’d been ready to go out for ages, mainly due to the fact that I always wore the same outfit. An extra large T-shirt of various skulls, tasselled leather jacket with eyes painted on the back, skin-tight black PVC trousers, very large backcombed hair and thick charcoal eyeliner. I was trying to emulate Alice Cooper but ended up looking like Cher. Whilst Debbie continued to clamp this strange vice to her eye, I noticed a stray party popper on the sideboard next to my pint of snake bight. Without pausing for thought, I placed the popper behind her head, aimed and pulled the string. BANG! Debbie shot out of her chair and yanked all her lashes out. Her shaking hands held the curler with what looked like a spider trapped in its claws. I wasn’t sure if the smoke was coming from the party popper or from Debbie. I eventually broke the silence by saying, “I hope it doesn’t rain, you’ll get a wet eye.” There was no play time that night!
Jimmy Baker    

There were three people in our relationship and Debbie knew this. But the other important person in my life wasn’t a lady, not even a man, it was a two inch-high screaming rubber head that I named Jimmy Baker.

He was a little prop that I would carry around in my pocket and bring out at the apt moments. “Beware the curse of Jimmy Baker” I would say then proceed to make him projectile vomit over whoever was in stood in front. He was basically a water pistol that I would duck into my pint of bitter. I also discovered that I could make him smoke too, which always got a laugh. One night my firsrt proper bird and myself were staying in an all expenses paid hotel in Liverpool. That’s another story. We found a really nice restaurant where the three of us, Debbie, myself and Jimmy Baker, all dined on fish and got quietly drunk. Upon arriving back at the hotel, Debbie climbed into the cold large double bed and beckoned me to join her. It was then that I realised the little lump in my trousers missing, I’d left Jimmy Baker back in the restaurant. Debbie explained to me that if I went back for him, or ‘it’ as she called him, then she would finish with me. Me and Jimmy returned 15 minutes later to be faced with a dark room and a sleeping Debbie. I started to get worried about Debbie’s feelings towards Jimmy, when she threatened to burn him over a candle in an Indian restaurant called the ‘Kebabeesh’. Luckily I had the cunning to blow it out. The next day, she blew me out.

More culture from your one-stop culture shop…

Jason Statham is the greatest actor alive

He’s surpassed Paul Rudd as my hetero man crush. I want him to be my best friend in real life, and I want to know all of the characters he plays personally. He knows the film he’s in is nonsense, yet still convinces you that he’s far better than the film itself due to his brilliant non-acting style of blank naturalism that makes all the professional actors around him look bad.  Without actively aiming for it, Statham has transcended acting itself to simply be ‘Jason Statham’. He is his own genre – every film is “A Jason Statham Film”. He’s the new Michael Caine - he says yes to everything. Years from now, we will look back and realise he is the most commercially viable British actor of the last 30 years, who has amassed an amazing canon of work.

He’s totally awesome!

Richard Sandling

Comedians recount their worst meetings with “TV people”

It was 2001. At the turn of the millennium I had decided that I wanted to make comedy short films as a living. A loner with virtually no friends I decided I would dress up as a mini cab driver and canvass for business outside the trendy clubs I felt socially ostracised from and film it. I borrowed £50 for expenses and roped my cousin in to film it. I sent the resulting 10 minute film round to all the TV channels, within a week I had had a reply from channel 4 they would like me to come in for a meeting. This whole getting on TV was easy. I got a decent haircut, put on some smart clothes and made my way to the Channel 4 building on the morning of the meeting. As far as I was concerned we were just going to discuss how we could get the film on TV. I sat down in the commissioning editors office and he said to me “ We really liked your film, have you got any other ideas?” My reply “ No.” A moment of awkward silence followed, as I looked at all the pictures on the wall of all the award winning comedy shows on channel 4. “ Did you commission Spaced?” “Yes” “ Can’t we just make this idea into a show” “ Maybe.”

As I walked back to the tube station from channel 4’s Horseferry road building I realised that I’d probably fucked that meeting up. I’ll probably get another opportunity I thought. 10 years later I haven’t.

Anonymous

Why has it become uncool to care? People want distraction from the problems of the world rather than seek to change them. How can we rouse ourselves from this apathy? When did this myth take root that we can’t change the world? When did the notion that things are simply the way they are and that’s that take such a deep grip upon our western consciousness? When did we accept that fucks and self-serving politicians can govern us? When did we become such losers that we consigned ourselves to the belief that everything’s broken and nothing can be fixed

Man – the only animal on earth to invent the playstation 3….Eat as Much as you like Chinese Buffets….and the Birds Eye Potato waffle…….and we give up now?

When we’re so close to utopia?

Man – the only animal on earth to invent the toblerone and the NHS.

The only animal to invent mint chocolate chip ice cream and tile grouting and solar energy and wind turbines?

When did mankind lose its self esteem?

A dog – whose only achievements is to walk around licking its balls – struts around yet with pride and self-assurance. Yet here we are inventing cures for diseases, coming up with new flavours of Quavers - yet we don’t think we can change the world and eliminate its evils. Racism, poverty, inequality, hunger - these are all man made -and if we decide we are unhappy with them – and I think we can decide we are - then we can discard them and make something new….

Mankind – when did you forget all the super, fantastic, brilliant things you’ve done – and all the amazing, incredible things you could do?

Mankind - you are the most rocking-est creature to ever walk the planet. Not only could you create the kind of world you’d like your children to live in - but you could create the kind of world that YOU’D like to live in - and you can do it today…

Go on mankind, get out there and get in the game - you got everything to play for. Get in the game…