So how has the Fringe found itself in this position? You just need to have a look at the roll call of famous comedians who have made a name for themselves through performing at the fringe to see why hundreds of acts flock to bonnie Scotland every year. From Michael Palin and Terry Jones in the Oxford Revue through Rowan Atkinson, Stephen Fry and more recently the Mighty Boosh and Flight of The Conchord’s anyone who is anyone in UK comedy who has become a success has started in Edinburgh. The problem now is that with the overhanging spectre of previous success a lot of acts head up to the fringe for the wrong reasons. Where as before an act might go to the festival with a show they loved, for 3 weeks of stage time to find an actual audience now it will be purely to get a TV show or an agent with the show just being an ill planned out after-thought. The acts that have a coherent show are few and far between. With so much hinging on success at Edinburgh a lot of the fun has been taken away from the festival. And how are you supposed to have fun when the majority of act’s will be loosing upwards of £3000 on their shot at the big time what with venue hire, accommodation and PR and marketing?

At the rotten core of the current incarnation of the “fringe” is the newly renamed Fosters comedy award perceived as one of, if not the biggest award in comedy, it’s been around for 30 years and you can see that pretty much anyone that has a career in the industry has won or been nominated for the award. Split into three catergories the spirit of the fringe, the best newcomer and the main award the prizes include a cash prize, a slot at the prestigious Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal, thousands of pounds worth of publicity and a run at a major London theatre (owned by awards chairwoman Nica Burns). With such power to launch an acts career that power was very badly abused this year with a main awards short list that included eventual winner Russell Kane (Co host on I’m a celebrity get me out of here), Greg Davies (Star of the inbetweeners and We are Klang), Sarah Millican (About to release a stand up DVD with Channel 4) Bo Burnahm (59 million youtube hits ) Josie Long (Toured the world and has written and appeared in hit channel 4 show Skins). It’s not to say that these were not some of the best shows at the “Fringe” Greg Davies and Bo Burnhams certainly were, more that you could hardly describe any of these acts as being on the fringe of comedy. Don’t the awards have a responsibility to give something back to the acts who give so much to the festival? Instead with this list all they have served to do is increase the booking and TV appearance fees for acts who are already well established in the comedy industry. You can say that the best newcomer award is there to highlight the acts on the fringes but a cursory look at that list and you see that 75% of the nominees already have a promoter and manager behind them. When you look at the panel who selected the nominees, like the acts on the main awards short list none of them are on the fringe of the comedy industry. Made up of Journalists from all the major broad sheets, the head of BBC radio comedy, the commissioning editor for comedy at channel 4 and two festival directors from major festivals It’s not surprising that the more established acts at the fringe ended up making the list whilst acts who are genuinely on the Fringe of comedy who had great shows Like Nick Helm, Dr Brown and Toby didn’t get a look in.

This year management agencies threw thousands of pounds at moulding the careers of their act’s at the festival, household names like John Bishop played 1000 seater venues,  and the BBC branded comedy presents sold out a daily live night by spending thousands of pounds on marketing and acts. What was once a small arts festival for act’s to learn their craft is now, in the main, a soulless comedy conveyer belt where acts are pitted against each other in a corporate sponsored competition ultimately allowing the existing comedy establshment to pat itslef on the back . All this is fine as the old adage goes it’s show “business” and the festival is a great place to launch an acts career but somewhere in all this the show has been overtaken by the business and that’s why to continue to refer to it as a fringe is just a lie.

DH: Want some candy?

HD: No. I don’t want some candy.

DH: You are the editor of The Fix Magazine. Pretend I have no idea what The Fix is. What is The Fix?

HD: I have no idea what The Fix is. I have been running it for 5 years.

DH: How many hits do you get a day? Because it used to be a paper magazine right? Why did you stop doing that?

HD: To save money. (Pause) You haven’t thought about any these questions have you?

DH: Yeah I have. I’m asking you clear and coherent questions.
(Laughs) God, why are you such a fucking asshole? Now it’s a website, how have things changed since not being a magazine anymore?

HD: My only problem with this line of questioning is that I imagine most people reading this interview will be reading it on the very website you are asking me about. So it will be a bit patronising for me to explain what that is. Would you not agree?

DH Um…Um. How are you enjoying Edinburgh?

HD: Well, weirdly this year I am actually enjoying it.

DH: Really?

HD: Yeah because traditionally I hate it up here.

DH: Why?

HD: There are many reasons.

DH: Why, what are some of the reasons?

HD: It is a rip off to the acts.

DH: To the acts? I have made so much money though.

HD: It is in Scotland.

DH: Which is lovely.

HD: No it isn’t.

DH: Where do you think it should be, Blackpool?

HD: I think it should be in London where the majority of the comedy industry is.

DH: Do you think there is room?

HD: Why not?

DH: Where would you put it like in Hyde Park?

HD: There is about a million venues in London.

DH: Hampstead Heath?

HD: Stop repeating places you know in London at me.

DH: Yeah but it makes it sound like I am knowledgeable. Who is your favorite comedian, besides me?

HD: Favorite comedian…Alive?

DH: No, just ever.

HD: Andy Kauffman.

DH: Oh, he is great. Who is your favorite living comedian?

HD: Apart from you?

DH: Apart from me. You probably can’t say, as you have to remain slightly diplomatic.

HD: No, well I always like to see Tim Key live.

DH: Hmm and you are close personal friends so you know you would get in trouble if you didn’t mention him.

HD: I always look forward to seeing my close personal friend Tim Key live.

DH: I really like Tim he is great. I think he is brilliant; I am using the words people use over here. That’s the American equivalent for ‘Awesome’- ‘brilliant’. But it sounds better because it makes it sound like the person is intelligent. Like in America you could just shit your pants and that could be ‘Awesome’ like whoa, didn’t see that coming. It wouldn’t be brilliant unless it was really well thought out pant shitting.

HD: That is sort of what you do isn’t it?

DH: Yeah basically, my comedy. I would describe it as so lowbrow. Sinking so low that it becomes high again. It is like if you run far enough South you will come back around the edge of the Earth and you will be going North and that’s what I do. Now you as it turns out have been staying with me quite a bit during this Edinburgh.

HD: You have very kindly put me up.

DH: Yeah very sweet of me.

HD: I can’t help thinking there is some ulterior motive for that.

DH: I don’t know, I’m just a good guy and weirdly I kind of enjoy your company. What’s the best thing about staying with me? Apart from the fact that it is a gorgeous apartment at no cost.

HD: I like your continual moaning about that one good review that had one bad line in it. I enjoy that; I look forward to when that comes up.

DH: You make it sound like I had one good review. I have had many good reviews. Many great reviews but I believe you are referring to a good review that had one bad line in it.

HD: I like the fact you have brought that up pretty much every day since you read it.

DH: It was upsetting to me.

HD: It amuses me and I look forward to you bringing it up.

DH: Everyday.

HD: Yep.

DH: I’m going to have to clean the tub for when my brother comes.

HD: When is your brother coming?

DH: Wednesday at noon.

HD: Is he?

DH: Yes so you have to be long gone.

HD: Is that official?

DH: Yeah. So you have to be long gone.

HD: Okay so thanks for 2 days notice.

DH: Two days, that like fucking 48 hours notice. Jesus.

HD: Okay so your brother has to change his flight.

DH: I just have to make sure the place is clean before.

HD: Yep. Well we will do that tomorrow.

DH: And I want to include this in the interview so it is documented that we discuss this.

HD: Right.

DH: I did some cleaning when you were out earlier today. I did some dishes, cleaned up a lot of the semen off the ceiling. Speaking of semen. How have you enjoyed Edinburgh on a sexual level?

HD: Very much so.

DH: Would you care to elaborate?

HD: No.

DH: Okay.

HD: It would be unfair on the women involved.

DH: I am surprised. Isn’t it unfair on them when the actual sexual encounter has taken place? Isn’t it already unfair?

HD: Yes and I think that is enough for them isn’t it? To have to go through all that with me talking about it on the Internet as if it was a good thing for them.

DH: Have you secured the services of a lawyer at all?

HD: For what?

DH: Any charges that may be pressed against you.

HD: I have a lawyer anyway.

DH: Oh you do?

HD: Yes.

DH: What did you do before you did The Fix?

HD: I trained as a chef in a Michelin stared restaurant called The Frith Street restaurant in Soho.

DH: Weren’t you impressed with my working knowledge of London before?

HD: You know London better than me. Especially for clothes shops. I mostly know food shops, pubs and restaurants.

DH: I’m getting a call.

HD: If this was an interview with the Guardian would you even have your phone on?

DH: Nope. Not even going to answer it because I respect you and your publication. What are the other questions I have for you? Oh. What is your best dish that you can make?

HD: Really?

DH: What? This is heading somewhere.

HD: I will take your word for it. I like simple dishes like a chili con carne.

DH: Sounds easy to make.

HD: Yeah.

DH: Like you could make a bowl really quickly for two people sharing an apartment who is letting you share for free…you could probably whip it up really quickly with very little effort. Just a bit of gratitude. What are the ingredients for a chili con carne you could make? Some meat, some tomatoes sauce, some spices and cheese and a little gratitude and a little consideration? That’s all it would take to make it. A little sprinkling of gratitude. Probably have that for dinner tonight in the house.

HD: Yes, my problem is going shopping for the ingredients because you don’t live near a supermarket that has the high quality ingredients needed to make something like that.

DH: Sounds like you have got a walk ahead of you. Are there any grocery stores in this town?

HD: Yeah, but they are all far away from your flat. I mean we have got a newsagent or what you would call a ‘convenience store’ really near our flat that doesn’t even sell butter. Can you imagine a shop in New York that didn’t even sell butter?

DH: No, that’s crazy.

HD: How long do you think a shop like that would last?

DH: I think it would last 6-8 weeks. Roughly if I had to ball park it.

HD:  6-8 weeks. Seriously, I want a serious discussion about that. A convenience store that doesn’t sell butter.

DH: Well you got it right there; it’s not very convenient is it? Not if you want butter.Why haven’t you come to see my other show yet?

HD: I have seen it in London!

DH: It was different. It is like months later now, it’s progressed, it’s evolved, it’s matured. Um, where do you see The Fix in the future?

HD: Bankrupt. So lets wrap this up as this has become quite dull.

DH: How are you going to edit this down to all killer no filler? Like a seven part interview?

HD: I think this is going to be down to a paragraph. Basically you are doing a chat show up here aren’t you?

DH: Who, me the Dave Hill Explosion? I am doing Big In Japan. Two shows.

HD: Yeah.

DH: What about them?

DH: I have had offers from BBC1, BBC2, BBC3; BBC4

DH: What have you learned about me in that time that you were like ‘Oh wow, I already knew he was a great guy and now I have learned this other stuff’

HD: There is this undercurrent of neediness.

DH: Oh yeah.

HD: I thought you were more together to be honest. I thought you were more on top of things.

DH: Every comedian has got neediness.

HD: Yeah but I thought you were more on top of things.

DH: I am though.

HD: Yeah but there is definitely an element of I am definitely not on top of this.
When I have seen you for 10/15 minutes in London you just seem to be on top of it and I respect that. Then spending an extended amount of time with you I realise that there are cracks to that.

DH: Yeah it is like standing too close to a Monet.

HD: Yeah, so that is what I have learnt about you.Wrap it up.

DH: I like your scarf. What is that? Like an ascot?

HD: if anyone was reading this then they will be like ‘WOW, he is a talented interviewer’.

DH: I am the greatest interviewer.

HD: There is no evidence of that in this interview.

The Dave Hill Explosion is at the Pleasance Courtyard, 11.00. Check Dave out on Twitter a medium that he excels in

Harry Deansway: Shall I start with a serious question and you can maybe work…

Tim Key : …Um, I don’t know maybe start by wearing slightly more serious clothes

Bo Burnham: (Laughs out loud)

Harry: You can talk.

Tim: I can.

Harry: You look like you mugged some dead person in a charity shop or something.

Tim: Well it was in a charity shop.

Harry: Right.

Tim: And in fairness to you, the person who used to wear it is now dead.

Harry: As this is Bo’s first Edinburgh, what was your first Edinburgh?

Tim: Yep. 2001. So Bo would have been 11. I was in a sketch show called ‘Far Too Happy’. It was pretty good actually, a good sketch show.

Tim: Did you see it?

Harry: I was sleeping rough that year…

Tim: Were you?

Harry: …In Edinburgh that year, yep.

Tim:  (Ruminates on this for a second) Enjoying your first Edinburgh, Bo?

Bo: Oh yeah.

Harry: Had you heard of the festival at all, did you know anything about it?

Bo: Yeah, because I am a big fan of a lot of comics over here. It isn’t really known much in the United States and very few American comics come over. But I had known because I was a huge fan of like all these dudes like: Bill Bailey and Tim Minchin, Tim Vine and Hans Teeuwen and all these people. So I knew because I am a bit of a comedy nerd.

Harry: Bo became quite successful from recording something in his bedroom at the age of 17.

Bo: Didn’t we all?

Harry: I was going to say what were you doing in your bedroom age 17?

Bo: Make a joke.

Tim: Songs. A bit better than Bo I just didn’t think they were ready. I thought it was a bit arrogant to get them out there.

Harry: So you were doing the same thing…

Tim: Actually,I was in plays. I was doing theatre studies at A-Level so I was doing Midsummer’s Night Dream.

Bo: I was too. I have done it twice, who were you?

Tim: I was Bottom (Nick Bottom, weaver who plays Pyramus)

Bo: Of course you were.

Tim: I imagine you were probably Lysander (Beloved of Hermia) once and Puck (A.K.A Robin Goodfellow, servant to Oberon) the other time.

Bo: Holly Shit that was incredible! WOW. Oh my god dude, that was incredible.

Harry: Which one did he play first?

Tim: Well Lysander first of all – it was forced onto him owing to his looks. And then Puck – once he was in a position to call the shots himself.

Bo: Nope.

Tim: Dammit.

Bo: It was Puck when I was little in 7th grade when I was 12 and then Lysander when I was like 16.

Tim: Okay. Still no shame in guessing what the parts were that you played.

Harry: That was pretty good.

Bo: That was incredible.

Harry: Are you guys familiar with the ten thousand hour rule?

Bo: Yeah.

Tim: What is that?

Bo: Yeah, it is stupid.

Harry: You don’t agree with it?

Bo: No.

Tim: What is that?

Harry: If you want to master anything you need to put a minimum of ten thousand hours in.

Bo: How ridiculous is it to come to that conclusion specifically?

Tim: It is fucking horseshit is what it is.

Bo: I guarantee that guy didn’t spend ten thousand hours coming up with that. Know what I mean.

Harry: So you don’t agree with that?

Tim: There is probably something in it… No, it is horseshit of course it is.

Bo: That’s gauging every person as the same speed and ability as each other.

Tim: You have seen some guys who’ve put together a great show not long after starting out, surely Harold.

Harry: Yeah, but you can be doing it before you are actually, actively performing.

Bo: Just abstract and convolute it and you can make it win by anything. Like if you say “I was really practicing when I was talking to my friends” then you can find the ten thousand hours wherever you need to.

Tim: I did a… I taught English as a foreign language. This bloke would probably say it was part of my ten thousand hours.

Harry: Yeah. Well what were you like as a kid. Were you trying to entertain people then?

Tim: Yeah but I was hopeless then.

Harry: So that was a bit of practice wasn’t it?

Tim: Not all the time. Ten thousand hours though. What is that? How many hours is that?

Harry: Well the example is…I have read the book.

Tim: Oh for fuck’s sake Harold!  What have you put ten thousand hours into?

Harry: Not me, I not successful in what I do am I. Ten thousand hours into getting into debt. That’s what I have put in.

Bo: Well done.

Harry: Massively in debt. Ten thousand hours of being bad with money that’s what I have put my ten thousand hours into.

Bo: But that is kind of ridiculous. It is like saying ‘practice makes perfect’ but in a really specific, ridiculous way.

Harry: Okay so neither of you are in agreement with that theory.

Tim: And also I think you can keep doing it and doing it and doing it and ten thousand hours might arbitrarily be were you get really good. Another person about three thousand hours maybe is where they would get really good at it and if you look at where they are after seven thousand hours, they might have no understanding of how to do it anymore. It kind of goes in waves. You know it’s not always a clean arc of doing it more and more and more and getting better and better and better.

Harry: So do you think you have naturally got it and it is just working on it or?

Tim: Oh no. You definitely have to have a relationship between having some kind of ability and then a lot of hard work but it’s different for each person. That is what I have found. I have had to work really hard to make it work out.

Harry: Do you think there is an ideal age to be a stand up?

Bo: Not if it is self aware of what it is. Not at all. I think like 9 would be ridiculous but anywhere between 20 to whatever. You never say ‘what age is the perfect painter?’

Tim: That’s about 40. No. I think you are absolutely right. It is only athletics/ sport where it really matters. I could easily say that two of my favorite comedians who I really love watching/working today that one is 25 and one of whom is 55. It is very simple.

Harry: What about Bill Hicks. He started when hew as 16 in the clubs and by the time he had his peak he had bee doing it 10 years by really hitting his stride and became the Bill Hicks we all know.

Tim: A lot of people who are up here this year started very very young; Daniel Kitson started very young, Josie Long started very young. Maybe that is why they are so good at a young age still? But then it is possible to be very very good and started slightly later. Mark Watson is like 30 is he?

Harry: Yes.

Tim: Yes, 30 and he probably started doing stand up in earnest in his twenties.

Harry: So for the both of you what was the catalyst that started the ‘I want to entertain and do comedy’?

Tim: I think they are very different. By chance really, there is no plan to do this. I had a bit of luck just auditioning for something when I was at a loose end and that happened to be a thing with Mark Watson in it. It was a great show so if I auditioned for something that was absolute horseshit it would have been different. There were no plans to do that so after that there was a chance to work my way into it and then I felt like it was worth staying in it to see what happens for a bit. There was never really a powerful reason to stop.

Harry: Okay so there was never really a conscious thing of ‘ I want to be an entertainer’?

Tim: No. There was a vague thing. It is a very difficult thing to perceive it happening. Like thinking ‘I want to be a footballer’. How are you going to make money off entertaining?

Harry: OK and yourself?

Bo: Man that was boring. (Yawns).

Tim: I realized it was. I couldn’t work out what your face was doing.  I thought you were enthralled.

Bo: I think I always wanted to entertain; I am just a bad, bad person.

Tim: Do you think?

Bo: Yep.

Tim: Why?

Bo: Just a bad thing.

Tim: What that you were born to be it?

Bo: No, because I wanted to be it.

Tim: From when?

Bo: Born to be it is a horrible area/phrase.

Tim: From when?

Bo: When I was little I would always put on shows.

Tim: Brilliant. See I never did that.

Bo: I would put on ‘Bo Shows’ that I would put on when I was like 3 years old. I would get my friends around and stand up, sing songs and tell jokes. So I have just been a horrible person since.

Tim: This is very different.

Harry: Is that true?

Bo: Yeah.

Harry: That’s the ten thousand hours.

Bo: But I wasn’t the class clown or anything. I was always the kid at the back of the class saying ‘fuck this’. I could sit here and be like really humble and say that I didn’t really want it. But I have always wanted this and it is kind of horrible…Yeah, yeah.

Harry: Did you used to record your stuff?

Bo: I recorded the stuff online and that actually wasn’t posted as ‘this is my big break’ as no one knew what You Tube was, I never knew what You Tube was. I actually had this plan to go to college and do open mic nights and stuff.

Tim: Is that right? That’s great.

Bo: Yeah, so I posted this thing not even thinking about it because nobody knew the Internet had this power and if that hadn’t have happened I would not even be here, obviously. But I wouldn’t even be doing music in my act, if I had an act. I kind of stumbled into music too and found out I would just write a little lyrically. I feel like I write jokes rhythmically so I kind of stumbled into that which is lucky.

Harry: You both use different contrasts of traditional stand up. You have got your poetry and you have your music so how did that come about for both of you.

Tim: They were kind of two different things really. The stand up, I just did it for a bit. Did a competition or two and just found it frustrating. I wasn’t that bad, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. I did one good gig as well. Very good.

Harry: You get the bug don’t you? As soon as you get the first laugh or the first big thing that’s it, your in. You are hooked in and never lose it right?

Tim: The thing is for me it’s slightly different from that as you can get a big laugh and still feel slightly uncomfortable.

Bo: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Tim: You can get a big laugh and feel nothing, as you are not in an inner orbit where everything is working. You can always get individual laughs even if you are having a bad gig, you can do a bit of material that is always going to work and people will laugh but it is more than that really. If you are having a good gig everything kind of works; things seem more pyrotechnical. Some unplanned might happen and the room gets a certain energy;  something occurs in the room where you think ‘this is a very nice gig now’. You are in control of making that but it isn’t quite as simple as that. Of course, if you go on and say something and no one laughs it is going to unsettle you. But there is something a little more magical about stand up than that.

Harry: What, is he being boring again?

Bo: It is a typhoon. No, I definitely agree that laughter is not like the end point. Especially in a place like this. If you are doing ten-minute sets around the country for drunken people then go for it. I like being in control because you can always reach out to an audience and grab them and shake them until they laugh but to get them to come to you is so much more difficult, the nuance. Like anyone ‘CrAzY’ can get in your face and make you uncomfortable until you laugh but you can tell when stand up is either like aggressive or magnetic, if that makes sense. I think the magnetic stuff is really cool where the audience has to go to the guy. Instead of the guy having to go and beg for the audience. I think that’s when a gig is going really well and I feel as if I don’t do that. When I don’t to that I pussy out…

Harry: Pander to the audience.

Bo: Pander like…I don’t know. Apologise in one-way or another. Not like literally apologising but compromising.

Harry: It is until you get in the position where you have your own audience who want to hear what you want to do.

Bo: But that’s not even great either. I have been very lucky to have an audience.

Tim: You have your audience here haven’t you. Have you seen his show?

Harry: No.

Tim: It is pretty amazing. There is a real anticipation before Bo comes on.

Bo: My fans are very young and some people that come along are in their 40’s. I don’t know. If I ever get successful, like theatres and screaming fans the challenge and the accomplishment is gone you know? I don’t know if that is a good thing. I mean, of course it is a good thing like it makes you fight extra hard to challenge yourself and not disappoint them. At the same time not to disappoint yourself by doing new things. I think having a big fan base is more artistically challenging. Going into a room where they have never heard you and rocking that room, you will never feel better. Rocking a room with people that love you to begin with, you do not feel that accomplished…unless you do new stuff.

Tim: That’s it but I don’t feel empty if I do the show and people like it. I don’t think I have a mode where I can rip a room apart by not sticking to what I do. I don’t have a PLAN B per se. I don’t think I have a bunch of stuff to do and think ‘Okay, they love that but maybe I should have been a bit more adventurous’.

Harry: Isn’t that the unplanned stuff though, when you are interacting with the audience? That always feels unplanned.

Tim: That is very unplanned. But I mean the other way around.

Bo: He doesn’t have a fall back to think that this will fucking kill.

Tim: My stuff goes best when it feels fresh and new and I have that feeling.

Bo: It’s not like feeling empty inside. It is like I think about how I could do it a bit better. I don’t feel great when I kill a show with all people that know me. Will I ever feel as good as that time when the new kid that no one ever heard of and they came in like ‘what the fuck?’ Expecting the worst and getting something.

Tim: That’s definitely true.

Bo: And people will be like ‘play that song’. I don’t know. I don’t think it can ever be as good from obscurity and that surprise is so exciting. Being in control is the most important part. The most exhilarating thing about being on stage. This month in particular, isn’t like rocking the show with applause breaks and laughs. It is like feeling in control and feeling like I could do anything. Feeling absolutely comfortable and feeling I have completely controlled the pace but at the same time it feeling completely organic. Like this is rolling well but I am not feeling like I am calculating it. Not counting in my head for beats or anything. Particularly in that room, I am in a small room they can see me, no matter where I wander on stage so like there are moments when I was like wondering around stage telling jokes, unaware of where the audience was. For the last ten minutes it has worked and that is really fun.

Tim: So what are your aims for this month Bo? Do these shows and fuck off or…?

(Laughing)

Bo: Yeah, Abso-fucking-lutley. I’m out of this place. I have never heard of any of you or your newspapers.

Harry: What do you do afterwards? Do you go back home or go to London?

Bo: I go back to Boston.

Harry: Cool.

Bo: It would be nice to do some stuff here but…

Harry: You are busy right?

Bo: Yeah, but people blow everything up though. Like I don’t sell many tickets in America. Millions of Internet hits mean nothing, they are false numbers and I will be the first one to admit that.

Harry: It is about opportunities though right. You both have good opportunities at the moment?

Bo: Yeah, yeah I am not complaining about it but people like to blow things up. People like to grab onto a gimmick. Like a 19 year old American from the Internet.

Tim: I guess what we both have is if we write a new show it is possible to find an audience that will watch it because they are interested in what we are doing.

Bo: Yeah.

Tim: Like my Edinburgh last year I had a very fun month because the people in the room were really interested in seeing me. So I had that and that is a very nice position to be in.

Bo: I told people that I would only come back here if I had something really cool or something really weird so I am not sure if I will be back next year because I am not going to rush back into it and capitalise on anything if I can’ have a decent run in.

Harry: Sort of what your doing Tim?

Tim: No, absolutely not. That is a very simple reading of the situation and a misreading.

Harry: I am only joking.

Bo: No, you are right.

Harry: That is how we are going to end it.

Tim: I will show you a tally of my finances to show you how much I make from this. It is fucking mind blowing!

Bo: Title this article ‘Three guys, two stupid blazers’.

Tim: Excuse me, this is not a blazer, it is a Safari Jacket.

Blog 2 - An early morning wake up and off in the car to do my friends Susan Calmans wonderful chat show. While there my mate Elis James has a lovely nervous breakdown while trying to plug his show on the blog, and then a quick tour of my venue

The London Edition

Stewart Lee in conversation

Blog 1 - Day 1, first show nerves and a quick chat with my freinds and fellow comedians CHris Ramsey and Toby Hadoke

As rumored on the Internet, I let Fix editor, man-about-town, and major asshole Harry Deansway stay in the guest bedroom of my palatial apartment here in Edinburgh for a few nights. As you can probably imagine, it has been a complete nightmare. Most days, I wake up to find Harry sitting on the couch in a wrestling singlet and mud mask while chain smoking Menthol cigarettes and crying in front of whatever is on TV at the moment, even if it’s just a commercial for a local auto dealer. Sometimes I try to complain but Harry just stands up, throws his cereal on the floor and starts screaming about how he will “fucking ruin” me. Then he locks himself in the bathroom until just about fifteen minutes before I have to go on stage. I enter the bathroom to find the tub filled to the edge and all of my personal effects thrown into a tub full of soapy, yellow water.

Other than the previous paragraph, I would describe my Edinburgh experience as being really positive. A lot of chicks want to make out with me and I have fingered almost the entire staff of the Tesco near my apartment. Today is my day off and I am using it to go see some shows and maybe get some cosmetic surgery to make sure things finish really well for me up here. I am excited to see Rich Fulcher as Eleanor later this week as he is awesome and also- being a fellow dirty American and all- one of the few people I can understand from the beginning of each sentence right up until the end minus a couple words here and there.

Speaking of language, yesterday I learned the phrases “yummy mummy” and “bum chum,” both of which have to do with people who end up getting banged at some point.

Okay, I have to go clean the tub now as Harry has pretty much lined the entire thing with enough pubes to make a sweater or “jumper” as they seem to be called over here.

Oh yeah, the picture above is of me on top of Arthur’s Seat, one of the popular mountains here in town. I climbed the f@#k out of that thing with the lovely and talented Charlyne Yi the other day. No one could believe it. Also, go to my website, follow me on Twitter, and listen to my podcast. There- glad I got that out of my system.

Love,
Dave Hill

HD: Er hello is that Neil

NH: Yes, yes, yes it is

NH: How are you doin‘?

HD: I’m very well how are you?

NH: Never, never better, I have to say

HD: That’s good news

NH: Yeah, yeah.  So you’re calling from far away I take it?

HD: Yes, London, London Town

HD: Where am I calling you? Are you in Los Angeles?

NH: Right now well we’re just outside of Los Angeles.  We’re just outside it in a little town called Sewage Grove and, uh, we did a show out here last night in Sewage Grove and, uh, we’re driving to the next show which is uh, oh about 700 miles away
They’ve got a lot of work for us today, you know?

HD: That’s show business as they say.

NH: As they say

HD: So, um, where are you based?

NH: I have several sheets of cardboard in the back of the car and I usually sleep under those or on top of those.  Outside of, you know, what ever town I’m playing in

HD: Oh… um, so you don’t have like a… you’re always on the road are you?

NH: Last year we did 399 shows and we travelled 100 and 2,618 miles and uh performed for a total of 610 people so yes I do a lot of shows

HD: Wow so let’s start at the beginning, how did you get in to show business?

NH: Well I don’t know that I really have gotten in to it yet. I’m still a little bit ambivalent about this I’ll tell ya. This is no sort of business to get if to if you’re trying to make yourself proud. This business is truly degrading and demoralizing.

HD: Why do you keep doing it then?

NH: Well I have no choice do I?

HD: No, does it pay the bills?

NH: Well it’s not paying any bills because I am so far in debt due to a bad contract I signed with these pricks. 90% of my wage is garnished by these attorneys. I’m haemorrhaging financially.

HD: Wow. So its not been going very well but you’ve persevered at it, but you get gigs right? People book you?

NH: I get gigs every night of the week. I have too many of these shows the problem is of course with the pay being garnished I’m essentially doing these for no reason. It’s sort of like being in prison and being forced to make license plates but uh, you know, I’m gonna give it my all night after night anyway, I tell ya. I do shows, I do so many shows.

HD: So is it the big gigs that keep you going, you’ve supported tenacious D?

NH: Well I mean maybe yeah in a way, I mean they are sort of depressing too because of all the hatred and the booing.

HD: Fucking hell. How do you feel about your press? A lot of it describes you as not very good. I mean you don’t get many good reviews do you?

NH: I mean we do and we don’t. We do get some of those hatchet job sort of journalists and I think a lot of those guys they have mental problems or sometimes they’re on the payroll of competing comedians you know you’ve got Carrot Top and Dane Cook and some of these guys have a whole payroll, you know, paying journalists to say bad things about others, so that’s what you have there.

HD: But you don’t ever feel like a lot of promoters book you because they’re laughing at you as opposed to laughing with you?

NH: Boy that is… You have a bleak world view over there.  I thought the sun shone all the time over there and everyone was in a good mood and then you hit me with questions like that.

HD: I was researching it and a lot of the articles were saying ‘worst comedian ever’ - really harsh criticism you know…

NH: Oh you are… You are not a nice man, no I know what you mean you do get some of that….

HD: That’s not my opinion!

NH: …well no, it’s okay. I mean you’re just reading it. I know you’re not writing it. Not yet anyway.  I hope not. For God’s sake. Please be kind.

HD: What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you on tour then? Maybe even made you want to quit?

NH: Well, you know, I can’t say this is really so bad because in fact it was quite an interesting moment but I did a tour with Tenacious D and at Madison Square Gardens. Sold out crowds 17,000 – 18,000 people, they started chanting ‘Asshole’ during the set and it would not stop and so I’ll tell ya - you haven’t lived until you’ve stood on stage at Madison Square Gardens by yourself whilst the entire house is chanting ‘Asshole’ at you. Now, I would not say that was a bad thing, that was actually quite interesting, you know. A bad thing is you know, more, you show up at one of these Indian casinos and, uh, y’know the place is boarded up after you’ve driven 700 miles. That’s my idea of a bad thing. Or another time a guy urinated into a cup. I asked for a drink on to the stage and the guy handed me the drink, this is in New Orleans, and the drink is warm and I’m thinking ‘I didn’t order a hot buttered rum, why is this drink warm?’ and of course one sniff and you realise it’s this mans uh urine, which was no doubt infected with Hepatitis B.

HD: Oh my God. (laughs) Sorry, that’s really bleak.  I’m really sorry to hear about that.

NH: … you know, I’ve done shows with some of these horrible rock and roll bands too and, you know, there’s nothing worse than, uh, stepping off the stage and the next guys to step on it are the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and you know before you know it you’ve got an undiagnosed case of ear cancer, because the music is so horrific you know. So that’s another problem.

HD: You’re quite famous in your sets for sort of insulting people, am I correct there?

NH: Well, it’s not something that I would like to be doing but occasionally you do get a ‘sickie’, somebody with a mental illness  in the audience that insists on saying things. Occasionally, you do have to respond in kind but I would not say that is something that I’m proud of, its just something that does happen

HD: Are you familiar with The Fix magazine at all? The magazine that this interview’s for…

NH: Say this again I’m afraid the connection is a little bit distorted and you sound like you’re talking through a pillow

HD: Are you familiar with The Fix magazine that this interview’s for?

NH: Uh, no I’m not. I’ve heard that it is the place to be, magazine wise but you know I’ve not seen it here on the news stands …or in the recycling bins.

HD:  It hasn’t made it to the US yet but yeah…. we insult our readers and I was just wondering if maybe you had some insults  for our readers? Would that be possible at all?

NH: Well… I don’t know the readers yet y’know.

HD: So you’ve got no zingers for The Fix readership?

NH: How about ‘fuck you’, huh? Fuck you asshole. That’s your fucking zinger - go piss up a rope, you prick. No, I don’t’ have any because I need them to do something to me. Now, if one of your readership were to send me a shitty email I would have something shitty to say back to the prick. But uh… as it is righ now you know you’re just asking me to say horrible things to people I’ve never met and for all I know this is a big set up. Maybe the zingers should go to you, maybe I should be telling you to go fuck yourself because maybe the readership are all people who are handicapped, you know… and you’re trying to get me to say that I hope they go down a flight of stairs but I didn’t know that they were handicapped when I said that and it just makes me look bad this whole thing seems like an incredible set up you know what I’m saying?

HD: Okay Neil sorry….

NH: I mean what if your readership are sweet, sweet 12 year old girls, you know. Sweet little twelve year old girls that love cartoons and then you’ve got me saying go jam a candle up your ass while you finger fuck yourself and then the next thing I know I’m being done up in British court for saying these things to these sweet girls….Pre-teenage girls. Very sweet. Really in to strawberry short cake so I don’t think this is fair and I will not take part in it.

HD: Okay I’ll apologize if I’ve overstepped the line in any way

NH: Fair enough

HD: Well it’s really exciting that you’re coming over to the UK, thanks so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us

NH: Same goes to you. Thank you for your gifts to the world in the form of writing because as you know so many people –their gift to the world is pissing in an alley, and you know for someone to do something different and try to communicate ideas to people – that’s a step up and I sure appreciate it

Neil Is in Edinburgh from the 16th to the 22nd http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/neil-hamburger and The Soho Theatre from the 23rd till the 28th http://sohotheatre.ticketsolve.com/shows/24509224/events

Whilst performing at a preview in London of my 2006 Edinburgh show I noticed a lady in a wheel chair in the front row. Not to let her feel left out I decided to talk to her. On my approach I could feel the audience clam up, so I thought that I would make a point by saying “Oh they don’t like it when I talk to you; it makes them feel uncomfortable you being in a wheel chair! Imagine if you were black as well”! They saw my point.

Later, during a performance at the festival, I had a man sitting in the front row in a wheel chair. I thought I could do again what I had done a few weeks earlier in London and make a point! So, I approached the wheel chair bound gent and said. ” They don’t like it when I talk to you, you being a wheel chair and all” now for the final point only this time I got my wording wrong, you don’t realise the power a sentence can have just by losing and moving a few words!

“I mean it could be worse” here it comes the big laugh, “You could be black and in a wheel chair”! Well As the words left my mouth I felt on toes bite into my shoes, knowing what I had said. There was no way back from this. I felt so stupid and ashamed. But I didn’t mean it, it had just come out wrong! And why was I trying to make a point anyway! The worst thing for me it was about five minuets into the show! Needles to say there was no encore.

Terry Alderton

Terry Alderton: The Pleasance Dome 21:20 http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/terry-alderton

My parents have a room which is rarely used in their house. It’s a posh room, used only when there are guests or at Christmas. My friend Chris called it a “Drag Queens Dressing Room” and I thought I’d just simply list what’s in it. Because it’s horrific. First up red and cream walls, adorned with old maps of Ireland and watercolours of plants. There is a 5 piece suite which is floral and dark green, plumped with hot pink cushions, a black and white cushion, brown cushions and gold, floral cushions. In the corner is a broken 4 foot tall lamp, whose bulbs bloom out of 12 tulip shaped sockets. My dad took it out of a skip. On the fireplace there is a marble egg, a picture of me looking like a peadophile in my graduation threads, a Toby jug and a small 10″ bust of Julius Caesar which my dad says ‘your grandfather took from Hitlers bunker.’ He was a chef in the Navy. Scattered around are pictures of family, including one of my Mum and Dad dressed up as a cowboy and a barmaid, taken in the 1980s. It looks like it was taken in the 1830s. Then there’s my dead Nan’s ornaments in a cabinet. Porcelain babies on their hands and knees above 17 wooden horses depicting the story of ‘The Horse Trying to get the Flea off its Back.’ The piece de resistance is the Christmas present to my dad from my 83 year old next door neighbour. It’s about the size of a wine bottle and is made of pink cardboard. It is shaped like a Disney turret whose bricks and windows have been drawn in Biro. At the top is a label which says ‘Brendan’s Christmas Bell Tower.’ Keeping the tower erect is a box. My dad opened it and found a large slab of Cathedral City Cheddar Cheese. A cheesy bell tower. I think I’ll end it there.