Referred to as one of the best interviewers in the business “mainly by himself” Dave Hill took time out from his busy schedule of updating his twitter and downloading films of Dogs on skateboards to interview Fix founder Harry Deansway.

DH: Want some candy?

HD: No. I don’t want some candy.

DH: You are the editor of The Fix Magazine. Pretend I have no idea what The Fix is. What is The Fix?

HD: I have no idea what The Fix is. I have been running it for 5 years.

DH: How many hits do you get a day? Because it used to be a paper magazine right? Why did you stop doing that?

HD: To save money. (Pause) You haven’t thought about any these questions have you?

DH: Yeah I have. I’m asking you clear and coherent questions.
(Laughs) God, why are you such a fucking asshole? Now it’s a website, how have things changed since not being a magazine anymore?

HD: My only problem with this line of questioning is that I imagine most people reading this interview will be reading it on the very website you are asking me about. So it will be a bit patronising for me to explain what that is. Would you not agree?

DH Um…Um. How are you enjoying Edinburgh?

HD: Well, weirdly this year I am actually enjoying it.

DH: Really?

HD: Yeah because traditionally I hate it up here.

DH: Why?

HD: There are many reasons.

DH: Why, what are some of the reasons?

HD: It is a rip off to the acts.

DH: To the acts? I have made so much money though.

HD: It is in Scotland.

DH: Which is lovely.

HD: No it isn’t.

DH: Where do you think it should be, Blackpool?

HD: I think it should be in London where the majority of the comedy industry is.

DH: Do you think there is room?

HD: Why not?

DH: Where would you put it like in Hyde Park?

HD: There is about a million venues in London.

DH: Hampstead Heath?

HD: Stop repeating places you know in London at me.

DH: Yeah but it makes it sound like I am knowledgeable. Who is your favorite comedian, besides me?

HD: Favorite comedian…Alive?

DH: No, just ever.

HD: Andy Kauffman.

DH: Oh, he is great. Who is your favorite living comedian?

HD: Apart from you?

DH: Apart from me. You probably can’t say, as you have to remain slightly diplomatic.

HD: No, well I always like to see Tim Key live.

DH: Hmm and you are close personal friends so you know you would get in trouble if you didn’t mention him.

HD: I always look forward to seeing my close personal friend Tim Key live.

DH: I really like Tim he is great. I think he is brilliant; I am using the words people use over here. That’s the American equivalent for ‘Awesome’- ‘brilliant’. But it sounds better because it makes it sound like the person is intelligent. Like in America you could just shit your pants and that could be ‘Awesome’ like whoa, didn’t see that coming. It wouldn’t be brilliant unless it was really well thought out pant shitting.

HD: That is sort of what you do isn’t it?

DH: Yeah basically, my comedy. I would describe it as so lowbrow. Sinking so low that it becomes high again. It is like if you run far enough South you will come back around the edge of the Earth and you will be going North and that’s what I do. Now you as it turns out have been staying with me quite a bit during this Edinburgh.

HD: You have very kindly put me up.

DH: Yeah very sweet of me.

HD: I can’t help thinking there is some ulterior motive for that.

DH: I don’t know, I’m just a good guy and weirdly I kind of enjoy your company. What’s the best thing about staying with me? Apart from the fact that it is a gorgeous apartment at no cost.

HD: I like your continual moaning about that one good review that had one bad line in it. I enjoy that; I look forward to when that comes up.

DH: You make it sound like I had one good review. I have had many good reviews. Many great reviews but I believe you are referring to a good review that had one bad line in it.

HD: I like the fact you have brought that up pretty much every day since you read it.

DH: It was upsetting to me.

HD: It amuses me and I look forward to you bringing it up.

DH: Everyday.

HD: Yep.

DH: I’m going to have to clean the tub for when my brother comes.

HD: When is your brother coming?

DH: Wednesday at noon.

HD: Is he?

DH: Yes so you have to be long gone.

HD: Is that official?

DH: Yeah. So you have to be long gone.

HD: Okay so thanks for 2 days notice.

DH: Two days, that like fucking 48 hours notice. Jesus.

HD: Okay so your brother has to change his flight.

DH: I just have to make sure the place is clean before.

HD: Yep. Well we will do that tomorrow.

DH: And I want to include this in the interview so it is documented that we discuss this.

HD: Right.

DH: I did some cleaning when you were out earlier today. I did some dishes, cleaned up a lot of the semen off the ceiling. Speaking of semen. How have you enjoyed Edinburgh on a sexual level?

HD: Very much so.

DH: Would you care to elaborate?

HD: No.

DH: Okay.

HD: It would be unfair on the women involved.

DH: I am surprised. Isn’t it unfair on them when the actual sexual encounter has taken place? Isn’t it already unfair?

HD: Yes and I think that is enough for them isn’t it? To have to go through all that with me talking about it on the Internet as if it was a good thing for them.

DH: Have you secured the services of a lawyer at all?

HD: For what?

DH: Any charges that may be pressed against you.

HD: I have a lawyer anyway.

DH: Oh you do?

HD: Yes.

DH: What did you do before you did The Fix?

HD: I trained as a chef in a Michelin stared restaurant called The Frith Street restaurant in Soho.

DH: Weren’t you impressed with my working knowledge of London before?

HD: You know London better than me. Especially for clothes shops. I mostly know food shops, pubs and restaurants.

DH: I’m getting a call.

HD: If this was an interview with the Guardian would you even have your phone on?

DH: Nope. Not even going to answer it because I respect you and your publication. What are the other questions I have for you? Oh. What is your best dish that you can make?

HD: Really?

DH: What? This is heading somewhere.

HD: I will take your word for it. I like simple dishes like a chili con carne.

DH: Sounds easy to make.

HD: Yeah.

DH: Like you could make a bowl really quickly for two people sharing an apartment who is letting you share for free…you could probably whip it up really quickly with very little effort. Just a bit of gratitude. What are the ingredients for a chili con carne you could make? Some meat, some tomatoes sauce, some spices and cheese and a little gratitude and a little consideration? That’s all it would take to make it. A little sprinkling of gratitude. Probably have that for dinner tonight in the house.

HD: Yes, my problem is going shopping for the ingredients because you don’t live near a supermarket that has the high quality ingredients needed to make something like that.

DH: Sounds like you have got a walk ahead of you. Are there any grocery stores in this town?

HD: Yeah, but they are all far away from your flat. I mean we have got a newsagent or what you would call a ‘convenience store’ really near our flat that doesn’t even sell butter. Can you imagine a shop in New York that didn’t even sell butter?

DH: No, that’s crazy.

HD: How long do you think a shop like that would last?

DH: I think it would last 6-8 weeks. Roughly if I had to ball park it.

HD:  6-8 weeks. Seriously, I want a serious discussion about that. A convenience store that doesn’t sell butter.

DH: Well you got it right there; it’s not very convenient is it? Not if you want butter.Why haven’t you come to see my other show yet?

HD: I have seen it in London!

DH: It was different. It is like months later now, it’s progressed, it’s evolved, it’s matured. Um, where do you see The Fix in the future?

HD: Bankrupt. So lets wrap this up as this has become quite dull.

DH: How are you going to edit this down to all killer no filler? Like a seven part interview?

HD: I think this is going to be down to a paragraph. Basically you are doing a chat show up here aren’t you?

DH: Who, me the Dave Hill Explosion? I am doing Big In Japan. Two shows.

HD: Yeah.

DH: What about them?

DH: I have had offers from BBC1, BBC2, BBC3; BBC4

DH: What have you learned about me in that time that you were like ‘Oh wow, I already knew he was a great guy and now I have learned this other stuff’

HD: There is this undercurrent of neediness.

DH: Oh yeah.

HD: I thought you were more together to be honest. I thought you were more on top of things.

DH: Every comedian has got neediness.

HD: Yeah but I thought you were more on top of things.

DH: I am though.

HD: Yeah but there is definitely an element of I am definitely not on top of this.
When I have seen you for 10/15 minutes in London you just seem to be on top of it and I respect that. Then spending an extended amount of time with you I realise that there are cracks to that.

DH: Yeah it is like standing too close to a Monet.

HD: Yeah, so that is what I have learnt about you.Wrap it up.

DH: I like your scarf. What is that? Like an ascot?

HD: if anyone was reading this then they will be like ‘WOW, he is a talented interviewer’.

DH: I am the greatest interviewer.

HD: There is no evidence of that in this interview.

The Dave Hill Explosion is at the Pleasance Courtyard, 11.00. Check Dave out on Twitter a medium that he excels in

Geordie comic Jason cook has been coming to the fringe for the last few years bringing shows packed with jokes, entertainment and pathos. In a regular series he posts his thoughts and experiences on the Fringe.

Blog 2 - An early morning wake up and off in the car to do my friends Susan Calmans wonderful chat show. While there my mate Elis James has a lovely nervous breakdown while trying to plug his show on the blog, and then a quick tour of my venue

Marc Maron’s WTF podcast has reached legendary status amongst comedians and comedy fans. Interviewing some of the biggest names and and the best acts Maron has a unique ability to get to the heart of the performer he is interviewing through extensive research and a unique perspective from being a fellow performer. On a recent visit to the UK Marc sat down with British acts Tim Key, and Adam bloom to get a hold on the UK circuit. US act Reggie Watts also features and there is a cameo from some guy called Harry Deansway.

The London Edition

Stewart Lee in conversation

Geordie comic Jason cook has been coming to the fringe for the last few years bringing shows packed with jokes, entertainment and pathos. In a regular series he posts his thoughts and experiences on the Fringe.

Blog 1 - Day 1, first show nerves and a quick chat with my freinds and fellow comedians CHris Ramsey and Toby Hadoke

The Festival may look like a walk in the park for performers but behind the facade there is an undercurrent of despair, depression, financial ruin and failure, comedians share the tears behind the laughter.

Not so much an Edinburgh nightmare, more an indication of the sort of narcissitic personality disorder that is the inevitable by-product of walking around a city that has A1 posters of your face plastered everywhere. We had our second preview last night and, just before the show,
I walked past the queue and heard an enthusiastic 20 something discussing Pappy’s: “I saw them live and they were great, then I saw them on TV and they were SHIT!” Now, although he’s right (we tried very hard with our TV pilot but, ultimately, it wasn’t great) it was still a bit upsetting to hear it aloud.

After the gig, the same fellow came bounding up to me to say how much he’d enjoyed the show. For some reason my brain decided to accost him on his earlier assertion and I blurted out, “I heard you talking about us earlier… about us being shit on TV.” I had no second move planned, except perhaps to explain how tricky it is to make good television, but was utterly unprepared for his response, “I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about Horne and Corden”.

Hopefully, this has taught me a valuable lesson about self-obsession. Only the rest of the month/my life will tell. But punters beware, even your most private conversations may well be eavesdropped on by a fragile performer so, if you can’t say something nice… at least explain in no uncertain terms who the nasty shit you’re saying is about.

Matthew Crosby

Pappy’s: All Business – Pleasance One 7:20pm

We are pleased to announce that we have signed the comedian John Kearns. John is one of the most exciting new acts on the circuit, he is also very naive and impressionable which is good from our perspective possibly not so good from his. Signed on a 50 year deal for 80% of gross John is free to walk away at any time he likes.  As of yet we have had no enquiries for Booking John but we are sure that once the word gets out that he’s signed with us there will be a deluge of promoters ringing us to book him, if this hasn’t happened within 6 months then we will make some phone calls ourselves. On signing with us John had this to say ‘I can’t believe how lucky I am. I haven’t been able to get one gig so far, but I’m guessing that’s because promoters think I’m booked up till 2012. A lot of people hate Harry as well, so he’s the best person to be behind me. Oh and I know 5 people who have read The Fix once, so its a perfect platform to fuck up. I’m taking each day as it comes.’ If you are interested in booking John for your gig please don’t hesitate to get in contact, really please don’t as he’s been with us for two months and there hasn’t been much action, oh he introduced Stewart Lee at a gig but he didn’t get paid for that so it doesn’t really count, well it was good practice for him but we couldn’t really take 80% of the money he spent on getting to the gig.

Please e-mail thefixonline@gmail.com if you would like to book John.

All week next week the Award winning Colin Hoult brings his critically acclaimed sell out Edinburgh hit Carnival of Monsters to London for the final time, together with an exclusive preview of his new show Enemy of the World. The Fix is offering a pair of tickets for each night of his run downstairs at the Leicester Square Theatre that will include previously unseen scenes, new bits, and some very very special guests. To win a pair of tickets simply answer the following question.

What is the name of Colins Ex double act partner?

a) Fergus
b) Alan Titchmarsh
c) Raoul Moat

e-mail your answer thefixonline@gmail.com along with which day you would like to go on.

More info on the show here

You too could win an Emmy

The Fix doesn’t understand Twitter, but the idiots have voted so we are going to have to live with it. In the past getting your writing on the Fix site was about as likely as an existing Fix writer getting laid, however now for one day a week only we are deviating from the comedy final solution to allow any mook off the street to have their hilarious tweet on the front page of the Fix web-site. The dream of the wry comment you made at a dinner party in front of your coke sniffing, broccoli eating friends  reaching thousands of comedy fans from across the wolrd is now a reality. Every Wednesday we will be posting a subject on our twitter feed, the person who makes the funniest tweet on that subject that week will appear on the front page of the fix propelling them into comedy superstradom for one day. All you have to do is tweet your comment with the following hashtag -#wryfix . If you are too shy to do this or are about as funny as George Osborne’s trousers then why not retweet someone elses using  #wryfix

This weeks subject is “England going out of the world cup” so if you fancy yourself as the next Graham Linehan, Charlie Brooker or Peter Serafinowicz?  Get tweeting.

follow us @the_fix

Chris Sievy AKA Frank Sidebottom has very sadly passed away today. Frank Sidebottom was the 1st cover Star of the Fix magazine and therefore is a very important figure in the Fix’s history. He was a fantastic entertainer, unique the very definition of a one off. He will be sorely missed. In tribute to Chris/ Frank we reprint the 1st ever Fix feature.

I have spent the best part of five hours on a National Express coach travelling to Manchester. The on-board chemical loo leaks a toxic sludge of bleach and human effluent every time we navigate a corner. Thankfully, a gentleman clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse is propped up against the toilet door, asleep, and his torso separates the rest of us from the slime, if not the smell.

Dismounting, I am struck by the irony of travelling so far and in such discomfort just to sit on another coach. At least the next journey will be in the picturesque town of Timperely and not on Britain’s degenerate motorway system. And – the clincher as far as I’m concerned - it will be hosted by Frank Sidebottom.

Frank first came to the nation’s attention in the 1980s on a 12-inch record given away with ‘The Biz’, a computer game for the ZX Spectrum programmed by Frank’s creator, Chris Sievey. His musical offerings were rapturously received - the nasal twang of a thirty-five year old puppet-faced man living at home with his mum striking a chord with many ZX Spectrum users.

If you were being kind, you could describe Frank’s style as ‘naïve’. Every song - mostly cover versions - consisted of just three chords, exhibiting a refreshingly scant regard for musical protocol (for example, how the original song actually sounded). As a matter of course, each number would be sung in an adenoidal whine and end with the refrain ‘You know it is…it really is’ or a variation thereof. (e.g. ‘Oh baby, baby it’s a wild world…You know it is…it REA-LLY IIIIS.; ‘I am a material girl…You know I am…I REA-LLY AAAAM.’ etc.)

Numerous musical releases followed and in 1985 Frank even had a stab at a Christmas No 1 with “Oh Blimey it’s Christmas’. His budget Argos Casio keyboard was beefed up for a succession of UK tours with the Oh Blimey Big Band in which Marc Radcliffe and Jon Ronson both made regular appearances.
By the late 1980s Sidebottom’s prodigious talents had earned him his own television show. These were his glory days, but he wasn’t satisfied. Frank chose to abandon the band’s simplistic sound for lush arrangements. Fans were confused and frightened by the music’s newly acquired professionalism and attendances tailed off at his shows. Worse still, more aggressively populist puppets like Ed The Duck and Roland Rat began to grab greater TV ratings. Frank quietly disappeared.

Fifteen years on, there are hints of a revival. A mosaic interpretation of Frank has gone up in the National Portrait Gallery and - the reason for my visit - he’s giving guided tours of Timperely, the place he has always called home.

As I approach the tour bus I can seem him – half-man, half marionette - gesticulating wildly to a massed crowd of fans. His papier mache skull has now been upgraded to a smoother, fibre-glass finish, but he is still instantly recognisable: a pair of beaming blue eyes framed by a side parting of jet black hair, pasted to a perfectly spherical head.

Frank bleats some rudimentary safety advice through the tiny hole in his mouth as he ushers us onto the bus, distributing an intricate felt-tip pen drawn map of Timperley to each passenger. First port of call is Timperley’s lowest point: a canal side gravel car park. ‘Careful of your ears popping’, warns Frank as we descend.

Next stop is Timperley Zoo, where two bored donkeys stand side by side with some ducks, or ‘swans’, as Frank would have them. It feels rather odd to be led through a town by a puppet-man shouting at you through a PA system. More so when he tells you that your bus is taxiing for take-off. Some of the adults on the bus laugh at this, and Frank appears as offended as it is possible for a man with only one facial expression to look.  The driver puts the coach into an inappropriately high gear and we lurch forward, pressed into our seats as the bus accelerates from 20 mph to 30 mph. The children on the bus giggle excitedly and I realise I’ve not stopped smiling since the tour began.

I contemplate what is so captivating about Frank. Beyond his obvious comedic talents there is something refreshingly straightforward about him. His joyful flights of fancy are the antithesis of the cynical, mechanically rehearsed delivery of comics like Jimmy Carr. He says nothing controversial or distasteful, refusing even to divulge the details of a Coronation Street actor’s affair as we pass his house in Timperley: ‘Go to a library and read through all of the News of the Worlds from the last fifteen years’, Frank suggests. ‘It’s in one of them.’

By now the five hour National Express journey has started to catch up with me. All I’ve had to eat all day are some Hula Hoops and a packet of Wine Gums. I feel a bit dizzy and the trip seems to be taking on the qualities of a mental dream. We are no longer on the tour bus but in a pet shop. In amongst the cages, tanks and Tony Blair dog chews I spy Frank. A large parrot is perched on his shoulder. Feeling groggy and slightly hypnotised by Frank’s eyes, I become obsessed with what he might look like without his mask. I speculate that a hard enough blow would puncture Frank’s head and expose his true visage – a hideous Darth Vadar-esque deformed face, perhaps. Or maybe even a human version of his papier-mache head, but the size of a tennis ball.  
Thankfully the urge to violently attack the man I have come to interview subsides and I am able to listen patiently as Frank launches into a monologue about how to keep animals/ his mum alive. The pet shop has now been packed with bemused Sidebottom fans for twenty minutes. Nobody has bought any animals and it seems the owner’s patience is exhausted. We are asked to leave.

Outside, Frank is greeted with an almost religious fervour by locals. People bib him on their horns as they drive past. One man comes out of his house, shakes Frank’s hand, and tells him how much he’s looking forward to his Labour Club gig that evening.

The tour having juddered to a surreal conclusion, I follow Frank to a junk-filled car for our interview. I have to sit on my knees in the front of the car, shouting to him over my seat. Crammed uncomfortably on the back seat, Frank looks as though he has been kidnapped by a lonely painter and decorator. He tries to salvage some dignity from the situation by pretending the car belongs to him:

FRANK I thought we’d do it in my car. You don’t get any sound through the windows do you?
Right, what did you want to ask me?

FIXHow’s the tour been going?

FS What, the bus tour? Very good actually (shakes keys in dictaphone)…if I do that you won’t be able to hear anything will you? I’ll hand my car keys to somebody else (hands keys over to friend). It’s not your car; you’re looking after my keys…Er, what was the question again?

FIX What made you start doing the tour?

FS Right, well mainly because it’s quite a walk to the chippy, so I thought, if I incorporate a tour then I get a free ride there and back, and I don’t have to walk. So it’s been successful from that point of view. Also there’s a lot of little known facts about Timperley, that…er…I don’t even know. So I’ve not included any of them. But the rest just makes it slightly interesting…and the main thing is it gets me out of the house and from under my mum’s feet, y’know?

FIX So you still live with your mum?

FS Yeah… (Frank arches his back defensively). Why…have you moved out?

FIX Nope. I’m exactly the same.

FS (Happier) Well there you go then. You get the best of both worlds and a free ride to the chippy.

FIX What’s the worst argument you’ve had with your mum?

FS The worst argument? I think when she found out I’d been trying to flush bits of the lawnmower down the toilet. I tried that, and they wouldn’t go. So I put them under my bed, and they went rusty, and they made a stain on the carpet of a lawnmower in rust shape. That’s how they did the Turin Shroud, you know. They got Jesus when he was rusty, or something, and that’s how his picture is on the carpet. It’s photosynthesis between my bed, my mum, toilet water and a lawnmower. But, I was only using the bits of lawnmower to try and repair my robot.

FIX Do you collect robots?

FSI don’t collect ‘em. I make ‘em. Well, I make It. I’ve got one I’m working on at the moment. It’s called Robottom. That’s a light-hearted joke name between ‘a robot’ and my last name. But that’s the only thing that’s light-hearted about it. The rest of the robotics is deadly serious. I’ve been working on it now for 21 years, and when it’s finished, I will show the world. But it’s not quite finished yet.

FIX How long do you think it will be before it’s finished?  

FS(Bored) I dunno, they take a long time don’t they? Building them does, anyway.

FIX What about artificial intelligence? Has it got that?

FS (Slightly annoyed) Aye, I’m doing a robot, I told you. But it’s just taking longer than I thought, that’s all. If you’re going to get it right…I’ve got the name, did I tell you the name?

FIX Yes. You used to work for ‘Oink!’ comics didn’t you?

FS I used to write for the comic and do my own page with felt-tip pens. If you leave the tops of felt-tip pens they dry up. That’s a tip for if you’re thinking of going into writing comic things: keep the tops on your felt-tip pens.

FIX You’ve just started to make a comeback haven’t you? What have you been doing for the last few years?

FS Well, it’s not so much a comeback, it’s just that my mum said ‘you can pack that in’. When she found out I was in showbusiness she went up the wall and across the ceiling. She said ‘Go and get yourself a proper job’, right? So I got myself a proper job…well, when I say proper job…a high-falutin’ job. Have you heard of a company called Hot Animation?

FIXEr…

FS They made Bob the Builder and the Pingu, right? So I was in this high falutin’ job then looking after…I was in charge…yeah, you can quote me on this: I was in charge, well, when I say in charge, I was equal with Ronnie- sort of 50-90 in his favour. Yeah, I was in charge, with Ronnie, of the car park. While I was in charge of the car park I happened to write an award winning episode of Pingu. And you can quote me in green biro.

FIX What was it like working with Pingu?

FS It’s just plasticine. I’ve not spoilt it for you have I?

FIX Yeah, you have. I thought it was a real penguin.

FS It is a real penguin. It was an honour to work with him, but I found him a real pain in his trailer, asking for things like ‘Can this Coca Cola be a bit more colder, please?’. And I would go and run it under the cold tap and put ice-cubes round it…Oh no, not good enough for Pingu!

FIX Has he been to Timperley?

FS (Getting very angry) HE’S A PIECE OF PLASTICINE! You stupid man. Anyone knows that, unless you’re about that big (points at floor), everybody knows it’s plasticine. You see that picture on the front of the box? That is not me. That’s like a cross between an action man and a garden gnome and you move it. That’s how it’s done. Do you not watch ‘The Making Of.’..anything…Disney, Spielberg, Paul McCartney’s Frog Song? IT’S ALL THE SAME! It’s just moving things: sometimes drawings, sometimes models, sometimes things that I don’t even know- computers. That’s how they do it. That’s what I’ve been doing here really, in Timperley…moving things around…In fact, I may set up a removal company because I am very good at moving things. Anyway, I’m going to be moving along now to Timperley Labour Club to set up my projector ‘cos I’m doing some slides tonight…’How To Buy Pets’. Christmas is coming. Don’t just buy a dog for a day- don’t throw it away on Boxing Day. Keep it for…well, until at least January 8th.

FIX Before you go, is there any reason why Little Frank doesn’t appear in the tour? Artistic differences maybe?

FS (Getting angry again) It’s because he can’t stand up on his own because he’s made of cardboard. And the head is heavy. There’s no support for the cardboard body. It just falls on the floor. AND IF HE THINKS I’M PICKING HIM UP EVERY FIVE MINUTES JUST TO STEAL MY LIMELIGHT…he’s got another thing coming. He can come out and do five minutes at the concert, and that’s his lot…A song if he’s lucky.

FIX Well thanks very much Frank…

FS Anytime you’re in the area…AND I ALWAYS AM!

IN MEMORY OF FRANK SIDEBOTTOM 1956 -2010

www.franksword.com and www.myspace.com/franksidebottom

Words by Alan Scab

In years to come when civilisation is over and archaeologists look back at the shattered remnant’s of a once great society and ask who was the greatest cultural facilitator of the 21st  century,  providing it survives they need look no further than the film back catalogue of our lord Jesus Christ AKA Steve Guttenberg for their answer (circa 1984-1988) . Following the announcement that Lord Guttenberg will be making his movie comeback in Three Men And A Bride  here he exclusively reveals a fascinating insight into “God’s” work. or Steve Guttenberg as he is known to his fans as .

Police Acadmey 1984

“When I was offered the role of police academy I turned it down not because I didn’t like the movie but because this is what is known in Hollywood as a play, by turning it down I instantly became more alluring to the studios producing the film “Who is this guy who doesn’t want to be part of possibly the most important ensemble cast since the Marx brothers” they said in hushed tones in the board rooms of Hollywood . There were rumours in the press at the time that I got my mother to turn up on the studio lot and beg the head of the studio to put me in the film. What I said is what actually happened.

Footnote

Many people have referred to all police academy movies after Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol as being like the bible without Jesus in it, by many people I mean the guy who runs www.guttenbergisgood/geosites/default.asp

Cocoon 1985

“I literally laughed Ron Howard out the room when he came to me with cocoon. Who was this balding ill fitting basball cap wearing ex happy day’s douchebag trying to kid? Who’s going to watch a bunch of prune eating old has beens playing basketball and fucking? You could see that on the Internet. When my agent sat me down told me the Internet hadn’t been invented yet I immediately took the part.”

Three men and a baby 1987

If you said to me now  “Steve you can have Tom Hanks career or you can be in three men and a baby” I’d take appearing as artist Michael Kellman in three men and a baby any day of the week, it’s called having principles and it is these principles that stopped me committing suicide after turning down the role of Josh in 1988’s Big in order to appear in 3 men and a baby, plus I probably wouldn’t of played a mentally disabled in Forrest Gump anyway.