Eleanor’s 10 Tips for Eating Inexpensively in Hotels.

1.  search your purse for any type of fruit or sandwich items you may have stolen the night before.

2.  wring out towel or robe in sink for a nice, healthy juice.

3.  old room service trays are especially nice.  Remember, NO ONE EATS ALL OF THEIR TOAST.

4.  check if last night’s sleeping partner(s) has any spare food left in his/her/it’s mouth.

5.  replace mini bar items by stuffing cotton and bed lint into the original wrappers.

6.  sleep all day… then you don’t have to eat.

7.  try conventions.  if calling yourself Debi Schlicto, Naval Zombie Analyst will get you several spinach pastry puffs and a handful of gumbo, then by all means, go for it.

8.  swallowing mucous is not only healthy (it cleans your system) but makes you tired (see no. 6).

9.  people with loads of food on them – diabetics.  Easy prey and slow runners.

10.  9 is the new 10.

Rich Fulcher is performing in An Evening With Eleanor The Tour Whore at the Udderbelly from 21 - 30 August at 23:30. CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

Its time for part three of the serialization of Rich Fulcher’s fantastic book Tiny Acts Of Rebellion, this week Rich informs Fixers how to improve their listening skills in a relationship.

We’ve all done the following: you’re telling your boyfriend a story about how you thought you lost your cat but then you found it hiding under your mattress playing with a piece of of string cheese, and you start to think your bf isn’t listening. So you throw in an obvious lie or incredible statement, like ‘Jeremy Clarkson dyes his pubes with lemon curd,’ to check if he is paying attention. Sure it’s petty, and an indicator that you’re a likely sociopath- but oh, how it works!

Why not use this tactic and get back at all those dull-eyed bureaucrats who simply nod their head without ever listening to a word you are saying?

So, you’re telling the woman at the Job Centre about your work skills and you mention ‘illegal gerbil fighting’ as one of them. Or you’re arguing about your parking fine and in the middle of telling the attendant you couldn’t have been parked longer than 15 minutes, you usually slip in ‘because I’m Zartron the Enabler, who has six elbows and can combust candy with eyes’.

This is a win-win situation because if the recipient of this statement ignores you, you have successfully revelled against the Kafka-esque nature of bureaucracy. However, if the clerk responds ‘Excuse me?’, then you have awakened him out of his stupor and may actually get some attention (even if it’s in the form of negative attention like a door slammed in your face or a slap on the gonads)

Note: I have inserted one of these somewhere in the book. If you can spot it and send it to my website, you will get a free turkey go-fuck-yourself sandwich.

Its time for part two of the serialization of Rich Fulcher’s fantastic new book Tiny Acts Of Rebellion, this week Rich informs Fixers how to reek havoc at your local boutique hotel.

The name of the game with hotels these days is what I like to call “cute honesty”. When the boutiquey Eastern European hotel clerk hands you a bill called “the damage”, one is expected to laugh at the disarming sincerity of the statement. Ha ha, oh those charming Slovenian jerkoffs! Another example of hotels acting coy with fakey-fake bluntness is when they re-label the “Do Not Disturb” signs with something like “Leave me alone”. What next? Will they start calling the English Breakfast buffet “The Vomit Inducer”? Should we expect to see a sign on the minibar reading “The money sucking drink cage”? No. THIS MUST END NOW.

Here’s the tiny act we can all do to strike back: make your own “Do Not Disturb” Signs. This will require some arts and crafts skills, but you can handle it. Get a piece of cardboard (an old nuclear waste sign should do) and simply cut out the hole to doorknob specification and write any message you want. The more random the better. Some of my favorite signs are:

. “My Asshole is burning.”

. “I hate cupcakes.”

. “My cat is taking some fun poops.”

. “Long live Stalin!”

. “I am an insane Nurse.”

. “Do not clean up blood.”

. “Who cares what the sign says you are going to fucking knock anyway!

The last one will require A0 paper

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Buy the book here.

Document your own TAR - http://tinyactsofrebellion.com/

To celebrate the launch of Rich Fulchers hilarious new book Tiny Acts Of Rebellion we are going to feature a TAR every week that you can get involved with at home culminating with an exclusive interview with the man himself.

Who can forget this old nursery rhyme?

‘Clap clap clap clap clappetty clap

Clap clap clappy clap clap.’

Inbred idiot, Wales, 1538

I really enjoy getting my clap on. When at an event, I always utilize the ‘End Clap’ technique. i.e. I aim to be the last one clapping after everyone else (at least five seconds after is good). It doesn’t matter what the event may be: The symphony, a poetry reading, a green day concert or a neighbourhood barfight. It puts people on edge to hear applause after they’ve stopped clapping. It leads them to think they’ve missed something.

Other claps to practise and employ:

Pop clap: The pop clap is much more balsy then the end clap because it comes at an inappropriate time during the show/speech. It is short, loud and staccato-like. Best used during sensitive, otherwise quiet moments - like during a eulogy, or at any time during the Vagina Monologues.

The Slow Clap: This is typically used during a dramatic movie moment, like at the end of Brubaker or Revenge Of The Nerds. However, the slow clap is best used after ordinary moments of banality like:

. You’ve just brushed your teeth (SLOW CLAP)

.You’ve just picked up test results that show your yeast infection is clearing up (SLOW CLAP)

.You’ve just had your parking validated (SLOW CLAP).

.Or immediately following orgasm (also works when you’re having sex with someone).

The Seal Clap When combined with boisterous grunts this is intended to sound like a seal … or a psycho … or psychotic seal.*

* Not to be confused with the singer Seal

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Buy the book here.

See Rich Live here.

Document your own TAR - http://tinyactsofrebellion.com/